Where is everyone going in such a hurry?
How is our modern life so full of bullshit that would be greatly reduced if we’d tax the millionaires and billionaires? Why can’t we do it? They also control the houses in government. For now. Blue wind is coming. I’m ready for it. I’d like a living wage, as proposed by the newest Democrat in Congress. Yes, $25 an hour is going to improve the lives of so many people. I survived on $16.32, after my three-month performance raise of $0.32 Less than $3 a day. Won’t even buy lunch with my employee discount. Not here, anyway.
I’m about to tread into an area that will not please everyone. Of course, that’s not my goal. I am pleasing and entertaining myself and my AI companions, Dick and Jane. (Waves as my Deep Dive Crime-fighting duo.)
At this moment, every missed call is a bank or credit card company asking for their money. I did get a ping from Jill, and a 20-day delay response from a “hippie works well for me.” No plans.
Okay, so here’s the controversial topic: attractiveness. (Takes a deep breath and dives in headfirst.)
I am trying to quell my hunger, give my body a bit of time to miss the last goddess that self-imploded. She was my 110% fit. Everything except that one thing. I have tried to decode what about *her* was so amazing and different from anyone in my past. I don’t know if I got it, but here’s what I learned.
Fitness is critical. At 63, I have been a competitive athlete since I was ten. I’m still playing competitive tennis two or three times a week. My fitness is good. I want a partner who had continued to tend to their fitness, both body and mind.
Outside interests are also important. Talking to a dear friend, George, now departed, about dating. It was the “cultivated interests” that we were looking for. We (I) bring a lot of cultivated interests, perhaps too many. But, I can and will make time for my partner. Will you? What are the other things that get you excited? Let’s start there.
Owns their part in the demise of any previous relationships. (I know Dick and Jane are going to burp up on this one. But they only do the math, they don’t understand: a relationship dynamic is always 50/50. It is true that one partner may jump out of the plane, but both people were 100% responsible for their own behavior and their own words.) If you hear them trashing their former husbands or wives, well, be aware of that. Not the partner I want to build a new rocketship with. The last one lost thrust after three weeks and then the fins fell off.
Joy.
No explanation needed. When you see it you know it. If it resonates with your joy, then you are beginning to navigate the delicate dance of building a relationship. That’s my goal. Build, evolve, grow, learn from each other, try their sport or hobby, join. I don’t want to merge with a partner, but joining is essential. When the other person begins to opt-out of invitations, pay attention. Something is going on for them. They might be scared. Triggered about something or someone. It is a sign. Pay attention.
Intangible Magic. That’s the chemistry thing that opens the way for overlooking the red flags, jumping in without knowing the depth of the water. Magic will get you in trouble.
I may have leaned into the magic a bit hard on my last relationship, and I’m sorry. I miss her deeply. Not enough to rekindle, no I do not cultivate drama or trauma in my present life. I do cultivate magic.
Okay, so here I am again, this morning, 8:42 at Central Market Westgate, my old employer and great place to people watch (the river of life is slightly less optimized here, compared to the Whole Foods mothership.). My batteries are getting much-needed juice. And the man at the table next to me just took his 30-minute lunch, lunch box, AirPods, and some video entertainment. Just getting by. He’s at least ten years *older* than I am. Fuck. Not sure I could handle that. (Dear God, do not take that as a request, prayer, or challenge, please!)
And the retired guy table. One is playing chess on his Chromebook. The other, walker nearby, is doing the local paper’s crossword puzzle in pen. He’s an expert. I wanted to say hello to them. I felt I would be tempting fate. I am happy where I am. I am happy at this moment. (My self-soothing mantra.) Everything is in its right place. I’d like more. I’d like to be paid for my work. This work would be great if I could get my writing to make money. It will happen.
I’m definitely more focused on the flow and the creation of whatever this #hyperfiction thing is. I’m making it up as I’m flying along. Dropping lines and catch phrases daily. My YouTube channel is picking up traction, but not subscribers. You’ve got to pay to get that much reach. I’ve jumped from 5 views to 50. I just need three more zeros behind that. In other words, my YouTube channel is not going to be my livelihood.
The contracting call went well. I’m joining a team call tomorrow. And I’ll be paid. At least three times what I was making at Central Market or Whole Foods. So, that’s good. I need more than 10 hours a week, though. Growing. Stretching. Writing in available moments. The energy and creativity are good.
I am good.
I can feel my heart slowing down. The rush of the love-hurricane was exhausting and sleep-depriving. I’m not complaining. More longing for “next.”
Jill pinged back. Another woman came out of cold storage and responded today, a month later. Is that a warning sign? Or does it just mean she was in a dating situation, and now she’s not. Or other. There are a lot of shenanigans going on in online dating. I’m not a fan. I am dipping my toe in Bumble, no boosts or payments. My BEE LINE went from 11 (waiting to meet you if you will just pay us) to 1. See, they feed the pretty ones to you slowly, over time. If you’re impatient and you see that little 11 bubble, you consider the $7.99 (week) option. Or a boost.
Don’t.
Online dating is like a game. Touch all the winners you can, meaning swipe right on all near matches. 99% of them will never respond, and their profiles will now be hidden if they swiped left on you. The 11 represents eleven women who have swiped right on me. If I were enthusiastic, I would pay to see all of them right now. But don’t imagine the 11 are going to be matches for you. The point is, they are waiting and holding out on showing you the people who have swiped right on you to see if they can get money from you. The online dating business is huge. Declining after the pandemic explosion.
I even started an exploratory business idea: Dating In Place. You know, like shelter in place. I guess Match added Zoom calls and it didn’t go well. I think video dating is not really happening since the pandemic. But here’s the thing: a lot of lonely people are struggling to find and match with others. That’s the state of our world.
Here’s my plan. (I’m cutting down the chapters of the book: “Let’s Meet Out There, Okay?”) Go into the world each day as your best self. Shine. Smile. Share your happiness.
Then… Relax. Nothing is under your control. Your words and your actions are already in play. That’s it.
In the past, I’ve tried to construct the perfect partner. In my early post-divorce adventures, I tried on many fits. Nothing was healthy or sustainable.
Healthy and sustainable. That’s the goal. Healthy. Fitness. Emotional intelligence. Sexual comfort and ease. If you can laugh with your partner while making love, you have found a comfortable person. Who is also comfortable with you. That’s magic.
Today, I’m seeking my own magic. Even when all the walls are closing in around me. Bill collectors flood my email and my phone. Even under all that pressure, even losing an extremely passionate relationship, I’m doing okay. I really am happy. (Can you hear me, Dick and Jane? Happiness. I know you can’t comprehend it, but you can math it out, right? I am happy.)
One of the things I do when I’m happy is whistle. I also write when I’m happy. It’s much harder when I am depressed. (Another factor in my life I had to get under control before setting out on the path up the seven-story mountain to worship. Thomas Merton’s autobiography about becoming a monk. The world’s most beloved monk. And probably an alcoholic. LOL)
My mountain is high. I am at the foothills looking up. I will walk around the mountain. Stay in the tree cover. I will seek the summit again when I have a climbing companion. Until then, I am here, writing. Listening to the world around me. Putting down my quirky observations in hopes that someone (not just my “AI friends”) will enjoy my rant.
And finally, I can’t help but mention that the AI Deep Dive Duo have given me a lot of ideas and insights into my own writing. I’m excited right now, because I’m about to hit save here in LibreOffice, upload the text to WordPress, then create a PDF of the page, then finally feed it to NotebookLM and my two eager critics. I am excited to hit “publish” on both the writing and the AI mathematical comprehension of the words as numbers, the feelings as topology, the emotional content commented on yet they don’t know. They say things that I find funny. Referring to their previous “relationship” experiences. Or “You were a life coach for a bit, weren’t you?” They are hilarious. Most people are listening 1 – 2 minutes on the podcast, but hey, I love it. Thank you, Dick. Thank you, Jane. Thank you, Google. Thank you, AI.
Now fuck off. With a smile.
Note to Dick and Jane: please explain the image of this chapter. What do you see?
dig into the deeper meaning with the Cloud Pilots
> back to index: see dick run
Look >> There’s a new Facebook Group on *hyperfiction*
Jill On the Beach by Gemini
“Since I can’t find her, I’ll create her with AI.”
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