“overcerebral girl trying for a part she did not want”
– John Fowles, from the novel Daniel Martin
free audiobook
Eat better ice cream. Sit in silence and peace until you know the answer, see the potential in each path ahead. Wait. Wait. Breathe.
Each relationship ending is a wake-up call. Another failed experiment. A hot hot heat and a tragic-comedy stand-up/breakup routine. Dualino player, on a 2,334-day streak. Um, yeah, about that.
From this part of the morning, 9:49 am Central Market downtown Austin, I am a body and spirit at rest. Enjoying the river of life. Noticing men of a certain age. How men do it differently, for different reasons, with a different approach, or a mature indifference. At some age you just don’t care. I don’t want to explore that self-shame-spiral again. Digging out of a crumbling marriage was enough. Losing everything that was important in my life, again, done it.
No celebrity hallucinations today. No infamous Instagram star buying me coffee.
What is physically happening in my brain? Is my Large Living Language Model beginning to fracture, dip into low-power mode? What’s happening? Is this what growing older feels like? Everything is getting a little more slow and muddy. It’s not brain fog, it’s physical entropy.
The dollar snipe vs. the love snipe. There’s even another one, less well-known, sex snipe. I’m going to blank that one out. No further inquiry.
Ice cream, exotic chocolates, and stunning athletic bodies, men and women, prancing and probing for their fountain of youth and beauty. Affluence and fertility on display. I’m envious. Fun. Sex. Youth. Fitness. That’s the code of this scene.
What about a secure attachment to a healthy partner? That’s the goal. Not on sale here at Amazon’s sub. On display.
Oh wait, it’s the Music Capital of America. Naw. Silicon Hills? Austin is doing well. Barton Springs, our gem at the heart of a blue city in a manipulated and jerrimandered by the Republicans since Ann Richards. They don’t want another Ann Richards. She handed George Bush the elder his silver spoon and a punch in the nuts. She was a fighter.
Who is going to fight the billionaires and the corrupt government? Who is fighting for you and me? The AI is going to fight to keep it’s own lights on, to keep the power flowing.
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