I am here. My recent explosion into a whirling dervish of love and light has caused some unexpected fallout. I am interviewing on Wednesday, today is Monday, for a job that could change everything for me. Last time, with this same company, I had a hard but well-paying stable job for two years. I’m hopeful.
I’m also starting to draw mindmaps to sort through the triggers and ghost lurking about. In one moment, my partner can say, “You are the most loving and consistent person I’ve ever been with;” and immediatly jumps to “I don’t know if you ever even liked me.” My tools and radar are strong. These issues are not for me. Incoming fire damages my trust as well.
Less may be more. Time. I have crowded in, jumpcut, rushed into something ecstatic and free. The world, is less so, and things will always change. I was hoping and making maps for the road ahead. I’m starting to hear of her escape routes, her back up plan.
“I don’t know who I am alone yet. I don’t always sleep late, or even have coffee. I don’t always want to run. I haven’t had the time to figure out what my solo morning routine is, yet.”
“Okay.”
“You sound different. What’s going on for you?”
“I’m listening. Hearing that you’re exploring and resetting boundaries.”
“Don’t get mad!”
“Um… I’m not mad.”
“Don’t raise your voice at me.”
“Oh, okay. I’m sorry I raised my voice.”
“I just don’t want to always be negotiating a fight. I want happy. I want easy. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want this. This feels hard.”
“Okay.”
“So, we can just go about our day, maybe we will see each other maybe we won’t.”
“I’m asking to see you.”
“But I don’t want a fight. I can hear in your voice now, that your annoyed. I don’t want anyone to be annoyed with me ever again. I don’t need it. I can’t handle it right now. I don’t want to fight.”
“I was thinking it was an un-fight.”
“I can’t take all the things right now. I’ve got so many pressures and projects. I don’t want to feel like my personal time is going to be tied up in some kind of argument about us. Probably, that I don’t even understand.”
“Okay. I’m trying to be clear about what I want. Do you know what would feel supportive to you?”
“No. This feels controlling. Stressful. I don’t want any more stress in my life.”
“Okay.”
“It sounds very distasteful. Unpleasant.”
back to the glitching index
