Listen to this discussion free on YouTube: Losing Focus discussion
Fuck.
I can’t tell you how hard I am trying to not freak out. Singapore said no. The recruiter and hr guy didn’t seem to be working from the same playbook. The other second to third round opportunity said they’d be interviewing through October. Today is halloween. A frightening time for all of us not of the millionaire and above class. I won’t go political here, but we the people are mobilizing to remove the tyrant king.
I am working to remove my survival job. A day off today, a ping back from the second executive job, but no answers. I am distracted by the horror of the political theater playing out today. I am considering a “call out” tomorrow. I have successfully restored some of my UPT (unpaid time off) and intend to use it.
Last night my body fought off some major virus or something. My temperature spiked, my midback pain (associated with this type of illness) flared. I woke at 2 am in sweats. Chills. Shivers. I got in the hot tub, passing my son in full military gear in the kitchen. Maybe he’s nocturnal. His earpods were in. We nodded at each other. The hot tub was healing. I was able to go back to bed despite the constant opening and closing of my son’s bedroom door. What in the world does he do all hours of the night? What keeps him up?
I find myself being facinated with the World Series of baseball. I hate baseball. I go to promote some of my writing on social media and find myself tripping down the rabbit hole of politics and the anger of the American public. I am angry too. If the economy were not being crashed by the not-king, businesses would be more optimistic. There would be more jobs. Fewer layoffs. Fewer companies posting jobs they aren’t ready to fill. The one job still in the opening stages, started in September. I interviewed with the admin in early October. I got a second interview with the two VPs. “We’ll be interviewing through October,” said the admin. Today, I just said “Hello. I hope you get only treats today, on Halloween.” At least she pinged me back. That’s a good sign. I’m not going to dig any further into that line of thinking. I am going to put in some new job applications.
I feel more threatened than I actually am. My teammates at the grocery job are all living in apartments. The wage doesn’t provide any upward mobility. I have a house and thus a mortgage, that my salary doesn’t cover. So, at the moment, I’m living on borrowed time. Or savings. Savings, that term that is so easy to spend yet nearly impossible to replenish. I need some replenishment.
Refocusing on the moment. An income stream that allows me to have typical weekends again, and a schedule that allows for scheduleing more than a week in advance. Job hunt. Job hunt. Networking. Keeping the faith.
A lot of this life is maintaining hope in the face of daunting challenges. My mom gave me some valuable tools as well as some handicaps. She showed me what catatonic depression looked like after the divorce. The face of depression is ingrained in my soul. I identify with it. I also expend a tremendous amount of energy to stay above the surface of the dark and bottomless lake.
It’s going to sound odd, the cats are providing a good deal of comfort in this time. Entertainment too, but mainly cuddles during a time when I have no other options. It’s okay, though. It’s how I want it. Sure, I’d like a partner in bed beside me. I wished my ex-girlfriend happy birthday last night. “Thanks for thinking of me,” she responded. That’s enough.
Moving up in the grocery store is also an alternative path. I do enjoy the work. I am trying to secure a mentor from a leaderless team. So far, two acceptances and zero follow-through. I guess the best example of “team member celebration” is the 2025 Employee of the Month plaque is empty. And the Coffee with Leadership meeting a month ago never happened. I was the only one wanting to attend. The store leader was on the phone. This is not a place where I’m going to find growth and opportunity. Today, I am merely a cashier. The tease about a “leadership role” during my third week has run into a brick wall of incompetence. Again, not my job to take their inventory, but the lack of responsibility and leadership is epic. And yet, the store, the brand now usurped by a rocketship billionaire, cranks on.
Back to me, back to this, back to the continuing search for the escape key. A new ending and seeking a better result. We persist. Write on. Submit applications and publishing packages. Go go go. This is not the time to get disheartened. Time for strength and drive. Forward into the breach. No masks. No costumes. Just raw emotional energy. Strike a new pose. Rest when you are sick. Take advantage of all employment loopholes. Support my own human body, energy, spirit. Love my body, my health. Do not give up the hunt for the next right action. Do it. Keep hope. Do it again.
