giving permission

if i reach out early in the am
you read
respond 4 or 5 hours later
you have fallen off a certain radar
if your store in the mall
is hammering the beats
i will not stay
not the demographic
i understand
no you may not have my email address
no account
unsubscribe
if you text message me
and i don’t know you
your permissions have been revolked
i will close my amex account
for frequent
*please update your income statement*
when you know
before linkedin that i have been fired
and fuck you too
i can’t tell you about it
pending judgment
could launch my next music release
taylor swift singing backup
i am no longer reachable
by those
unfit
unwelcome
uninvited
the vampires are hungry and fierce
the lithium in my blood
is low
my resistance is blinking in and out
i want the release
black me out
send me on my way
i understand
me
i do not give you access
this is a poem
not a manifesto
yet
an anger roils under my surface
i overeat to protect my tender parts
again
fk
i can’t apologize anymore
will not be branded
sold to
missed
left on *read* for five hours
i get it
you too are permission-based
apple is not my friend
but does provide some protection
not *plate* and gun protection
noise-canceling
but i’m not returning
to your sneaker store
i’m happy it’s working for you
as a path
my journey is changing
i recognize my own impotency
in the face of such beauty
and horror
cheeks unusually plump and firm
breasts that continue to reach for the heavens
in girls just beginning their lives
in some *cheer* competition
good for them
i am opting out
drawing a blank
handing back your invitation to dance
there is no high that will satisfy us
no new purchase or makeup influencer
to make 45 year olds look like teenagers
and 10 year olds look like legal tender
it is no wonder this place is filled with dreams
of fitness
thin by daily injection
and me
starbucks tethered
my ANNUAL frappucino
coming on line
we can give our kids things
we can try to contain and hug them back into the boat
but they are gone too soon
divorce
even sooner
and loss today
harder and deeper than any before
bloodlines showing under my eyes
escape is not an option
no one to call
no store for what’s hurting
fear and excitement
can be confused
blurred and combined
into a beast of desire
with no way to satiate the
hunger
this loss ahead
is well-documented
understood
cheerleading and therapy suggestions
that’s where we get off
as dads and moms
offers of
help
feel like
swipes
punches
to sad souls
a kid
seeking
escape velocity
from
himself

02-29-24

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