whispering to the stars
when sleep is elusive
i often lay down on the driveway
at 2 am and whisper to the stars
clouds speeding silently by
god too is not forthcoming
i am here now
a wreckage of a father
like my father before me
i have swallowed the poison
hoping my enemies will die
opened myself to criticism and untruths
i am doing my best
but the ghost come out late at night
tonight i listened
i indulged
i do not need to become my father to understand his pain
as i feel the pain of a father at a loss
all help has been offered
still my sad son is a on a lonely ship of his own design
burning vigils to love and lovers
he has known so little
seen poor examples of love
i keep him close
at 300 miles away
110 miles per hour
misty spitting rain and semi-trucks
i am weaving and dodging death
pain
pause
i do not want to feel this
or explain it one more time to my lover daughter ex-wife
the stars do not answer my prayers
twinkling as they do
the hope must come from inside
me him us
bless us every one
struggles known and unknown
my dad was so charismatic and successful
people began to hate him
i sort of understand
but just a month ago
before the fracturing of my loving relationship
i understood for the first time
what it felt like to be hated
for my love joy success
happiness can feel like a brag sometimes
i won’t stop
ever
i cannot give up
yet each day i reach the edge of the unknown
and i turn back
it is not my choice
he must find his own god
and make his own plan upward
or not
maybe it is not what it seems
his mom texts
maybe it’s something else
p t s d
but i don’t think that’s how it works
what do i know
nothing
god no longer responds
like he did when i was a child
when church with my mom was boring
and somehow mystical
these words just keep coming
like rain
outpouring of my need
my surrender
and creative thrust
of letters
not sent to anyone
but
myself
an owl sounds off in the night
nearby
people are not stirring at this hour
but the wildlife comes up from the creekbed
seeking water
prey
like i am seeking my son
hooting into the distance between us
hoping he is okay
alive
dreaming rather than spinning
03-04-24
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