Thoughts About Tonight?

“Am I enough for you?”

I knew it was time to go. The answer was no. She had provided me with the first relationship that felt securely attached.

Something was missing.

She was beautiful and lovely. Something was absent. The extra element of surprise, joy, cultivated interests. That thing that someone is excited about. Their voice rises when they talk about it. Their joy. She had joy. She had beauty. She loved me. And…

Fuck.

It was something else I needed. Something more. I was negotiating love, passion, and our alignment. A few basic building blocks were missing. A big one. I’ll leave that issue in the dark for now.

I understood that what was missing was insurmountable. You can’t be in a relationship with someone while waiting for them to change. Love them as they are, or get on with what’s next.

I needed to get on with growing my own individual life. My aspirations. My skills and crafts. Unlimited time for creative deep dives. A woman was desirable, but not essential at this moment in my life. A lifetime goal, yes. A lifetime partner. But, so far, those have not worked out.

All the relationships you have been in up to this point have failed. What are you going to do differently? Will you seek a different kind of partner? Do you know now the things you like to ask a potential mate? Some issues that may have caused you problems in the past? What do you want to ask me? I’m open. I’ll try to answer honestly.

I lie.

We all lie.

Even if the lie is tiny. “I was on the phone with my mom.” That’s why you didn’t pick up and give the greenlight to your partner on the plans for tonight? Nope, that’s not going to work for me.

What happens is we begin lying to ourselves. Lies about ourselves. Lies to cover the past. Lies to make our lives seem more exciting, thrilling, and successful. We lie. I have lied in the past. I will lie again.

It’s said it’s easier to tell the truth. Sometimes, this is not the case.

Pick your battles. Screening essential phonecalls at a critical inflection point, could cause unwanted results. Perhaps, the result, no date, was actually the desire of the unavailable party.

I have an unavailable partner again? Don’t I know better? Tell me again, how I’m going to manage this one, so it goes more smoothly? And, how’s it going so far? Not so good.

Give some breathing room. Don’t rush into apologies. Plans. Aspirations. They can be frightening. Overwhelming. There’s so much else going on.

I keep saying, over the course of the last sixteen years, that I’m “not in a hurry.” This partnership would indicate that this, too, is a lie. I am hungry. Insatiable.

Boundless and boundriless. I’ll live out of a small suitcase if that works for you. No drawer, no problem. No me, or my place? Sure. Why would that indicate a problem? Control?

I guess if she never comes to my house, she will never have to leave me. I’m always leaving. She seems to attribute it to “being upset” or in a huff. And me leaving.

In fact, I’m just going home. To feed my cats. Spend some time in my bed. Not leaving, but I’m not staying here, either. That makes sense right?

We don’t have to solve for “if we lived together.” Good grief. Just be in the 24-hour period you are traveling through. What house, what bedroom, what music studio? Those are puzzles for later. Put those ideas in the parking lot and come back to them later. Today, tonight, at this moment there is one question at the top of my mind, remarkably, “Do you want to sleep alone tonight?”