Many serendipitous things happen when given time. Many things don’t happen when time is neglected. We can continue conversations with people after they’ve moved back into the one consciousness cloud-like thing Jung talked about. Collective unconscious. I don’t know about that. I know in my bones that a unifying force exists. I hope it’s not The Empire.
A near miss. A blackout comms. A renewed burst of independence and youth. A young fascinating woman. Yoga teacher. Friend. Fascinating. So much so that four hours pass without a ping or response to the three ideas I put forward for our evening. She was not going to stay past sunset, she doesn’t like driving in the dark. It’s still daylight outside. 8 pm.
My son calls. Says he can meet for food, if I like. Negotiations take a few hours of misses and blank hours. Now, he’s ready, but has one more thing to do… Now, he’s late. I’ve had two water glass refills at the Chinese restaurant he likes, near his apartment. Good to see him. He’s got some sparkle in his eyes about a “woman.” I understand.
“Is that what happened the first time you asked me to go eat?”
“Sorry.”
Another world, my son and me, verses the rest of the world, world of work, world of women, world of father and son struggles. He fell in step with his mom after the divorce. He was nine. My time became vague and infrequent. I took every other weekend and did the best I could with the fallout of losing every single element of my life that provided hope and light. I didn’t lose, she pulled a coup d gras at the last minute and I declined the opportunity to sue for returning to the 50/50 custody schedule we’d negotiated at the beginning of our unraveling. “We don’t just get divorced in a weekend. There are a lot of moving parts. Decisions. Choices.”
We negotiated in good faith until she didn’t.
The therapist we’d hired to help us write our parenting plan told me to get over it. “That’s what she’d get if you guys went to court.” I know she said this exact thing to my soon-to-be ex. Fuck.
I can’t imagine she was any different after I was expunged. Perhaps sadder, happier, with alternating weekends off. She lost nothing but me, and that was good with her. Not so good for our kids or me. She thinks more about how things will impact her. Most people do that.
Becoming a parent, we begin to set their best interests ahead of our ambitions. I was playing in a band in California when I realized I didn’t want to spend any weekends away from my kids. I stopped most of the traveling. The band was a hobby anyway. I was addicted to a fancier lifestyle. I can’t retire because I can’t afford to live the way I want to live. Well, about that…
When we were still just dating, the mother of my children gave me a phrase from her business role. “Minimize risks. Maximize opportunities.” In this case, the opportunities were hedging her bets. She was living with an older man when met each other again, on Easter, 1995 (check the actual date). We’d known each other in high school. She was beautiful. She hugged me. The perfume stayed with me the entire day, spent attending a Sunday service with my mom, my sister, and her two small children, twins, boy and girl.
She neglected to tell me about him while we were just doing sexy lunches and flirty texts. We went on our first date to see a band at Liberty Lunch. I got her back to my place. We kissed a lot. She left around one in the morning. That was Saturday. On Monday, I got a text from her around 10 am. “Can you meet me for lunch at Mother’s Cafe?”
It was a dear John lunch. She had to go see about her other relationship before moving any features forward with us. Yes. Okay. Wait, what?
Time and our odd ways of filling it while entertaining ourselves is part of the journey of life. If you are dwelling in past hurts, past transgressions, you need to let that shit go. On the flip side, like my mom, if you’re constantly second-guessing and worrying about what “might” happen, again, you’re missing most of the moment you are actually in. Don’t forget the end of the Serenity Prayer, “the wisdom to know the difference.”
As we heal, our minds become calmer and more focused.
I didn’t choose my path this evening. I was given an opening. A long moment of silent contemplation. Now, I return the favor. Letting the last text float.
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