It’s the morning when I set the tone for the day.

Alone I have several rituals, motions, prayers and affirmations I use to invite my happy and whole self to the experience. I can feel things, good and bad. I am not my feelings. The jets of life are pulling. A child who is struggling with life. A friend who is suffering a breakup, breakdown, or ephiphany. People go dark around us all the time. If we are not listening or paying attention, we miss an opportunity to connect. Certainly, not fix. But provide an empathetic ear, a hand, and eye contact.

I am here.

I see you.

I will not offer advice. I will sit quietly, delightedly, and listen. I cannot change the situation. I cannot heal your heart. My comforts are non-verbal. Sublingual. Spiritual. Presence. Touch. Human to human contact.

I feel my own jets calling me away. Pay attention to the important things. We rest and exercise so we can have the energy and attention when it’s GO TIME.

Apparently, this is go time. I imagined this was a period of rest. Apparently not.

Son has escaped the tractor beam of dad’s house. My smudge is lit frequently. Moving though his stuff, his guns, his boundless nights. His military scouting and exercising at 3 am. The cats don’t like that energy. I don’t either. But, he’s my kid.

In some ways, my love, is also a … what?

Let’s leave that one in the fog for a bit. This is about me. Sure, me in relationship to her, but it’s already so clear that I’m asking her for an unrealistic climbing velocity. And just as we’re about to separate from the first engine and kick on the second booster, a leaky valve causes a shutdown and the entire ship is at risk.

Again, my metaphor, and my fear.

I don’t like being in conflict. Even if the conflict is not mine. It’s hard to lean in to someone else’s hurricane and debris. I would say, I’m no longer “conflic adverse.” I am not afraid of negotiaions. Often, however, in intimate relationships the triggers can pull ghosts and other frightening memories back like a jump-scare in an old horror movie.

Boom.

“What just happened?”

MEGO.

“I’m sorry. Please pause. Tell me what is going on? Where did you go?”

A few lingering issues stand vigil over her heart. There are several men in the way. Blocking. Withholding their side of the story, and yet, preventing me from freeing her from their nets. Some bonds can only be released by self-awareness and attention.

I try to be low on the needs and requirements scale. It may have gotten out of balance, and that is fine, but we don’t want to form our new partnership around the trauma of a past relationship, mine or hers. That’s the plan, anyway.

The lizards will appear from time to time. They are all around us in both personal and public relationships. In our ONE relationship we’ve got to be more intentional.

Keep our word. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions. Ask and listen to their response. Don’t fight it or fix it. Just be. Allow them to have upset or fear without any attempt to fix it from the outside. Only they can change their mind.

The role of the lover is to be a support. A leader when asked. A catalyst for change. And a designer and architect for the future we’d like to craft into something new, different, and sustainable.

Each morning, with someone or alone, the jets begin firing up their engines.

Pause and give yourself and your soul a chance to wake up before engaging with the jets. If you start hearing them, ask yourself to allow the quiet to return. There is nothing you need to do at the moment. Nothing from your past is capable of attacking or killing you at the moment. No scenario you’re anxious about is true.

The feelings are not true. They are feelings. Indicators. I like this. I don’t like this. I might like this, let me try it. No, I don’t like it. Let’s not do that one anymore.

Insite and change only come from a growth-minded individual giving their inner voice as much attention and time as they give their external voice. How we present ourselves to the world (family and work) is up to us. In a good state, we can dress and perform a bit, even if we’re feeling low inside.

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