I’m enjoying seeing my son more, since he’s sort of moved back in with me. He, however, is exceeding all boundaries and pushing my limits. Is it on purpose? Is there a lesson to learn for me? He’s not learned his lesson, and has zero self-management. If he’s leaving my house at 2 am with 5 – 10 loaded weapons, where is he going? If he’s larping on his sniper rifle in his room, a trophy gun, I guess. Is that okay?
No.
Am I responsible for the behavior of my 24-year-old kid?
That’s a harder answer. Fuck. This is not fair. For the third time, his behavior is impacting my life. Yesterday, he came home at 7:30 am as I was leaving to meet my daughter for breakfast. He looked wrecked. Hungover, Dead. “I’ll probably just crash,” he said. Yeah.
He did sleep for a few hours. Then roused to mumble around the house from room to room. He likes to pose questions from two rooms away. “I can’t hear you.” “Sorry. Do you want this lapdesk I got?”
This morning he was zipping and popping and wandering around the house at 2 am. I got up at my usual 6 am and said hello.
“I’m going to meet a potential new roommate for tacos,” he said.
He then proceeded to pack his car and fiddle with stuff in the driveway for an hour. He came back once, after he pulled away around 7:15 am.
Am I supposed to smile and wave? Give him all the slack he needs to find his way? Is he looking for jobs or working on his hail mary job with the snack food influencer? No. He’s spending nights tweeking on something. In his room with the light on, singing, airpods on blast. Just like the last time he lived here, before he was admitted to a sober house. He is not here. He is on something.
A few days ago in a conversation he offered me some Molli. Or Ecstasy (MDMA) and proceeded to tell me how good his stuff was. Wait, what? So, he’s back into some drugs, anyway. How is he funding the arrival of the Amazon packages, often two or three at a time? Where is his money coming from?
Time to set track limits.
Yesterday after I left for work, he was nodding off in the living room talking about “needing to work.” He did not work. He told some story about why he left at 2 am and was out all night. It veered off into a violent story about him nearly getting arrested by the cops. “They let us go.” His car is still registered to its previous owner. He is packing at least 10 weapons at any given time. I have no idea how many rounds of ammo he has amassed.
Am I really back here? Do I need to kick him out again?
Or, do I simply pause. Ask for the team of his mom and her husband to advise? They’ve just completed their new house, I’m sure it has a spare bedroom. Let them harbor this nightmare for a bit.
Or just let it ride for a bit?
Yesterday, at work I wanted to reach out to his sober coach, his mom, his stepdad. I didn’t call anyone. When I got home at 9:30 pm, he was in the living room asleep on the comfy chair. There was a food delivery on the front porch. Who knows how long it had been sitting there. He was crashed out.
He woke up when I came back in with his food. He struggled to sit up and pay attention enough to even unpack the sandwiches. “Do you want a sandwich?”
“No, I’m good.”
“It was buy one get one free.”
I sat in another chair beside him and checked my email. I’m dealing with some bullshit at work and I needed to get some form from their outsourced HR team.
After 15 minutes of sitting with him as he thought more about eating than eating. “I guess I’ll go watch my show.”
“Okay.”
“It’s terrifying.”
“Before bed? You’re brave.”
No, my son, this shitshow is terrifying. Do I let him hold all the guns and ammo he wants, in my house? Is that normal? Even for a gun fetish?
I sent a text to his stepdad. He provides a bit of padding around any comms with my ex-wife. She/they are a big part of the problem. I was relegated to the sidelines when my son was nine. I am hopeful that my presence in his life, my sheltering him, will provide moments of attachment, making up from some of the time we lost. He is a lost boy. He is a child. He is acting like an angry teenager.
His story about the police arriving and checking his credentials, then letting them go is bullshit. There is a flag on his file. His stepdad would’ve been notified. It happened last summer. There’s a note on his police record. He doesn’t get arrested, for some reason, but it somehow triggers a call to his stepdad. Explain that to me?
I am not willing to sacrifice my hard-won serenity to enable his bad behavior. I also have no intention of making more of my books about him. I know, I know, he is me. I get that. He is going through some of the issues I went through when I was in high school. He is acting out. He is not doing what he knows he has to do. His car would report as stolen if he were pulled over by the cops. The title is still in someone else’s name. He has had seven months to get this fixed. I’ve even offered to help him fix or get a different car, but the title is a show stopper.
He was close but did not get a cool job about five weeks ago. He’s still licking his wounds. I don’t think he’s serious about looking for work. The “snack girl” has a platform and a promise to pay him if she can get funding. There’s a trade show in five days. He talks about needing to do the work, slow down on the gun thing, yet, he’s ramping up on the gun thing and exhibiting manic behavior.
Anywhere that he can be unaccountable, that’s where he wants to live. He wants to air-condition the shed in my backyard. He wants to move his cluster of computers, doing god-knows-what, into my house. NOPE.
For now I will sit with my own unease. I will inform his mom and stepdad that he’s back on his bullshit and probably not taking his meds. He’s not sleeping. Won’t take the gabapentin that could help him relax for bed. If you stay up 24 hours your entire body has a rush. Like an energy virus that courses through you. You can burn for another 12 – 24 hours and then you’re going to crash down. Like he looked the other morning and last night, nodded off in my living room. He’s on something again.
My response is up to me.
