A lot of people are not doing what they are supposed to do. Entire countries are warring on others in hundreds of years-long struggles that are not going to be solved by the start of college football season. I am not doing what I should be doing, I’m doing exactly what I want to do. Should I start collecting my SS in November or should I wait? It’s not enough to even make my mortgage payments. Maybe another high-paying job would help.
I’m applying. I’m getting some great applications. And… Zip.
Okay. The universe is speaking, however, and my creativity is boiling over. Still. So, here’s my plan. I’m going to keep hunting for work. I’m going to submit the requests for contracts and RFPs, but I’m also going to continue to write like the wind. This is the moment. This is what I want to accomplish. *This right here.* I am doing it. I am a writer.
And I’m going to take it easy on my son and ex-wife as they do the mama’s boy dance and she coddles and cuddles and swaddles him up. 23. She needs to let go and get on with her life. He needs his mom to quit helping, for good. He needs to grow up and break up with Mom.
“Because he still thinks you guys are the enemy,” says the 12-step coach.
Oh, and somehow my ex-wife has a bad intuition about 12-step recovery programs. Um, why is that? And can you identify any other system of recovery that can help Jason a year from now? That can provide a lifetime of guidance and a community of inclusion.
What you need to learn as an adult.
There are things I can control: my actions and my words.
There are things I cannot control: the actions of others, the way the world works, the tough job market
And then, BIG POINT, I need to learn the difference.
If my son is angry with his situation, that’s fine. He says things like, “Well, I don’t have a car.”
Yes, but, you crashed your car. You have not shown you are responsible enough to go to a job. You cannot afford a car. But here, let me put you on my insurance, you can take my car whenever you need it. Guess what? The car has been in the garage the entire time I’ve been home. Right, there are no joyrides. There is no easy escape.
This adulting is not easy. And in many ways, my son is more like a teenager who’s run away from home a few times, and now needs to be grounded and treated for whatever is corrupting his thinking. And, for sure, his thinking is majorly fucked up. Even he can agree to that.
In the past, I’ve had some shady moments too. I’ve been committed to a treatment center for depression and manic depression. I’ve taken psycho-pharma drugs since my late teens. And while I’m not on any drugs now, I know I have chemical support as a backup if my mindful practices don’t keep me above the waterline.
At this moment, my son has no liferaft, no escape pod, and no concept of what’s best for himself. He’s given up. In some ways this is good. In many ways, however, this is avoidance. He doesn’t want to think about the next steps in getting better. He doesn’t want to go to any treatment. He wants to be left alone. What he wants is to feel better.
Don’t we all want to feel better? Okay, so would you do everything possible to pull yourself back up from the black depths? The answer is still no. He was set to work four days and take three days off, he couldn’t do it. Even with me waking him up every morning and providing food and a ride, it was too hard. Or required too much effort. He just didn’t need to do it. He wasn’t required to do it. So, fuck it, I’m not going.
We’re on the brink of the next major decision. Treatment. Where to go? What therapeutic methodology would be best? If my ex-wife (with little or no experience) is against the 12-step process, she’s going to have to offer some other ideas. EMDR. Sure, but not a lifetime solution. CBT. Great, good stuff, yes. And what else?
Here’s what the 12 steps offer: a community of people all over the world who are working to make their own lives better. A guiding principle, also a required skill for a healthy relationship, is that you don’t offer unsolicited advice. “I think you should…” stop. I don’t want to hear your ideas right now. Just support me in my journey. Let me find my own answers. Respect my boundaries. This is the hurdle my last partnership could not clear. “Stay in your fucking lane,” became a request, then a demand, then a breakup challenge.
We are all shady mfkrs. People do whatever the fuck they want to do. If they don’t want to change, they will not change. My girlfriend could go the therapy for me, but that was never going to work. My son can’t go to treatment because his parents think he needs it. He’s got to understand this truth: at this moment, his life is unmanageable. He is not doing any of the things a responsible adult needs to be doing. Okay, so he rests. He holes up at my house. He sleeps all he wants. Smokes cigarettes on the back porch. And wanders the house with airpods in and podcasts attempting to drown out the angry and shame-filled inner dialogue going on in his mind.
He’s able to tell us. He’s ashamed. Even with the help he’s being given, he feels like he’s failing us. It’s a hard place to be.
What I know about depression however is this: avoidance only makes it worse. The climb up and out of the smothering death of depression is accomplished by taking ONE new action, ONE new step up. At the moment he’s not capable. Is he trying 100%? Unknown. Sure, “major depressive disorder” is his current state, but you’ve still got to put your dishes in the dishwasher. You’re not a teenager, even if you’re wanting to act like one.
My mom was a great host when I was struggling. She did want me to get up. It alarmed her if I slept past 10 am. So, I got up. I made coffee. I interviewed for a crap job. And then I went to that crap job. And it sucked. But it sucked less than whining from the guest bedroom. I needed to get up and out. Then a string of good days led to a bit of a lift in my mood. I still hated the job, the petty managers, and the bullshit 15-minute breaks. It was a shit job.
We need something. Wait. I need something. Sure, my son needs something, but he’s got a team. His team is responsible for his next steps. I’m a supporting cast member. I am not the driver. I am also not the enemy. I’m all he’s got. He’s not welcome at his mom’s house. They lose their shit around him. So, it’s my house or the street or a sober house, or some other form of temporary residence. Let’s go with in-patient treatment.
“They have horses,” he said, a few minutes ago about the intake session for the nearby treatment facility.
The last run at treatment, he acted like a spoiled teenager. He got up when he wanted. He didn’t attend meetings. “Who wants to sit around and talk about God all the time? And alcoholism? I’m not an alcoholic!”
I guess that’s the resistance from him and his mom. “That’s more for drug addicts,” his mom said, today on our treatment team call. I wanted to shout. I let the coach handle her objections.
“He’s sober now, yes. But, when he’s back out in the world, it’s going to be a pull to start using again. That’s how it works. It’s not a FIX IT process. It’s a lifetime process. Learning what is good for you and what is bad for you. Learning what you CAN change and what you CANNOT change.
I can’t offer him the experience strength and hope of the program that has done so much for me since I started Adult Children of Alcoholics at 16. While I’ve not struggled with substance addiction, I’m addicted to the drama and high emotions of being in relationships with people who have issues.
Now, perhaps I’ve swung too far. Perhaps the closing of my “securely attached” relationship was a bad idea. I don’t think so, however. Here’s what I believe. I cannot settle. I will not be happy with a partner who does not evolve and grow with me.
If an issue is identified, I want BOTH of us to attack it from our own personal angle. If I’m the only one doing the work, we will run into more imbalances and issues. They are simply going to pile up. I’ll mitigate and coach and do meta-observation bullshit, trying to oversee and repair the issues that are not being addressed. But it was never going to work. I still love this woman deeply. I cannot be in a relationship with her, however, and I wish her all the best in her future partnerships.
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