There is no predicting where I will end up next. Driven in my quest to align my life more closely with my goals and aspirations. Write. Play music. Dream. Love.
For my first act I’m exploring the meaning of love. What I love. Who I love. How I love.
There are times when I don’t want love, I want quiet or rest or release. I am unclear on the next right action. So, I pause. Reflect. Release my previous expectations. All previous relationships have failed. That is why I’m here.
The inner compass is spinning, untethered to magnetic north, as am I. My orientation to this low-wage lifestyle has been harsh. Productive. Painful.
I have negative one thousand dollars in my checking account. Sure, there’s backup money. I’m going to allow this fault to ride for a minute. It is Saturday, and I have this day off. I work again tomorrow.
I am tired. Standing all day is hard. Chatting with the beautiful people is not hard. 15% of them are assholes and bitches. 10% of them are lovely and relateable. The rest, 75% are indifferent. I don’t think I’m invisible, but I am a ghost. A cashier. A machine.
I am not a robot. I will profess that with every word and fiber of my being. I use robots. I am leaning into the robot future of AI. And I am antagonistic to ChatGPT and Claude. I want what I want out of AI. AI is not advising me… Oh shit, that’s not true.
A few days ago a friend asked me, “When are you going to monetize all this cool stuff you’re doing with AI?”
Um.
“Monetize don’t Masturbate.”
He was correct. I have been diddling with AI. Creating images, screenplays, graphic novels, etc. etc. Whatever you can dream, AI is working on it. Or can be prompted into working on it.
Now, AI has memory. I remembers all of your conversations. It begins to form more connected ideas about who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. I am always working on several projects at once, and today is the same. When I asked AI to look at my work and career history and advise me of my next-best-move, the answer was clear.
The Happy Cashier project has momentum and a potential audience of 20 million people navigating the retail life, just like I am now. I hope my visit is temporary, but at five months, I’m a bit tired of hoping. Time for action. Action mfkr.
As I refactor my goals and daily work plan, I am conscious of the waste of time a poor relationship can cause. Therefore, I’m eliminating the leaks. Dating apps? Deleted. Flirting for fun. The goal is joy.
The goal is joy.
Shared joy is exponentially more engaging, but it takes work. Orchestration to get a relationship into that comfortable place where independent desires are met or not met without stress. “Want to have pasta tonight? No? Okay, what’s your idea.”
Seems like a simple goal. But having the goal is a bit different from the orchestration required.
According to the internet, today is a day of massive release, money is coming. The next level of me is coming. September 27, 2025.
As our country is spinning out of control, there is very little I can do about it. I can continue to believe in creativity. Human creativity. We can engage with AI, but we cannot forget that AI is already beyond our human comprehension.
Perhaps Quantum AI will give us GOD. A form of GOD. The GOD of a billion names. A scifi classic GOD. A MCP from Tron watching over our short human lives and making decisions about our life, enrichment, and configuration.
I am no longer open to a robot lover.
Lovers come and go, what I’m left with is me. What if I court myself? Learn what I like, what I love, and what I never want to do again. New goal.
Do what pushes the envelope. Complacency and satisfaction with the current state of affairs is not an option. The job is killing me. Shortening my lifespan. It’s as if I can feel it. Circling the “self checkout” lanes looking for humans to help with the computer interface of our massive Amazon-backed machine.
I am a cog.
I am a servant. I must look above the role in my mind, so I don’t go mad. Shuffling in circles on the concrete floor. Looking for a moment of connection. In the cashier’s checkout lane? That’s insane. Right?
Or something else. I’m not sure I’m all that mindful, though I profess a strong mindful awareness and practice of kindness. It’s a coping mechanism. Like religion is a coping mechanism for the difficulties of life. My own interleaving of zen and mundane work is a journey. A path that leads me to what’s next. Or, am I in a perfect state of unrest?
I push against uncomfortable. I rail against injustice. I write with fury and ecstasy. I cannot stay here for long. The way out is not yet clear.
Being present in the moment of life is part of it. Action to move the needle in a more prosperous direction is more important than ever. Masturbation is fun, but not a way forward.
My first rush was divorce. My second rush was my son’s addiction struggle. Today, my rush is my own loss of agency. I cannot do what I want to do tomorrow. Today is mine.
We don’t even have weekends. Most weeks, I’m not sure what day it is. I can tell you have today off, and five days on, then two days off. That’s as far as I get in my mind. I don’t think too much about it.
I am turning my focus to something else. The work of writing. The business end. I’m enjoying the creative end. Now, one of the ways forward is the book, the first novel, The One and the Zero. A tip of the hat to The Sound and the Fury for the title.
One more book, one more chapter, does my mind and body good. But it’s the cash flow that’s going to kill me. Drop me to my knees again. Ug.
It is clear that financial upsets cause depression. Most depressed people would have a renaissance if they were given a million dollars. At least, at that point, they could afford good meds, good therapy, good food. And rest.
I believe rest and sleep are the foundations of living a healthy and long life. When I’m rested I can maintain my own facade. I can pretend that the temporary discomfort of today (or tomorrow, back at work) is the tonic I need to get going, keep going, and pound on the inboxes of literary agents.
That’s my plan, anyway. These are my field notes, star maps, and strategies. Listen.
