you may listen to this chapter on YouTube here: my understanding
I’m pretty tired of writing about depression.
My depression is directly related to my creative output as well. When I’m writing and playing music, my life is in the best condition, as in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When I’m actualized I’m creating and living on the same frequency. When the depression strikes the first thing to go is creativity. I get quiet. And suddenly my creative expression, perhaps part of what keeps me on an even keel, is the first thing to go. I’m left mute and isolated, even from myself.
Part of the creative spirit that must be nurtured and cultivated is the ability to suspend disbelief and doubt. Depression, for me, is giving in to the doubt and fear associated with creative projects. When I hit a moment of doubt in depression I am immediately taken back to survival mode, reptilian brain, and all that stuff. The only thing that matters at that point is food, shelter, and rest. All of my extracurricular activities not only take a nose dive, but they become minor panic-inducing worries about future planned events.
Case in point, I play an annual music festival here in town with my band. When the doubt struck soon after the divorce, I was compelled to jettison everything. There was no point in playing the gig, in fact, the mere idea of it caused me to hyperventilate. I was so freaked out at the next band practice, that I’m certain the guys thought I was on drugs. The problem was, that I was not yet back on the drugs that might help me moderate the panic and anxiety. I was going cold turkey and failing.
It’s not hard for me to see the link between my creative process and the depression that causes everything to fall away. For the first ten years after the divorce, survival was my modus operandi. I can create drama just by shutting my mouth for days at a time. I don’t want to tell you about it. I don’t want to tell my therapist about it. I’m both amazed and frustrated at having been dropped to my knees again. Given any choice, I’d rather stay at home and be alone. But aloneness is not the solution, nor is it a very good place for me to be.
Self-awareness and self-management are part of my mindfulness routine. I can drink. I can stop drinking. I’ve learned how to taper the meteoric highs, but I’m not that good at managing sad. I used to burn the boats and the castle at the same time. Over time, it seems to me, I’ve been learning to stay on the light side of the argument with my depression, even if the situation feels desperate.
Today, I write.
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