i am not responsible anymore

this motion is over
the escape artist has been apprehended
in a moment of clarity today
speaking with some of the treatment team
i was trying to make sense of the process ahead
not lying but propping myself up against the fall
the drop that is coming
all this energy focuses around my boy
the happy kid i remember
the guns and anger and getaway car
a crash that killed no one
stopped his madness in a perfect ballet
if there is a god
or a grandmother
that loves this boy as so many of us do
stopped him cold
unhorsed him
a moment of truth
mom asks him from the side of the road
are you ready now
i don’t care
whatever you want me to do

a bright point along the reset
toward the happiness again
for so many of us circling and cycling
with his ups
i am okay
i am doing awful

it was a dinner we shared
father and son
i am here to listen
he spoke
there was a new smile
a hopefulness and confidence
speaking volumes
he was back in supply
back on his game
reboot

from a moment of pause tonight
i appreciate my son’s courage
his fight
even in his collapse being admitted into the ER
a boy unprepared for the needles machines and efficiency of the ER staff
loud ripping sounds as the prep the sterile pic line
my boy, my little boy, there in his angry garb
squirming
afraid
mom had gone to the parking lot to look into car trouble
he and i were alone after the friendly nurse left
he was whimpering quietly
reacting to the needle in his arm
*it’s time for you to come back*
his mother and i
long divorced hugged in the cold bright lights
*we caught him*

6-27-24

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