hear now be

here i am waiting for the rest of the world to wake up
i’d like a coffee and a gypsy horn please
harvard square on the moring before one of the worst decisions of my life
i was taken in by machiavelli’s grandkid with dyed black hair and vicious laugh
i overlooked the cheap card table that would be my desk
the dilapidated olivetti computers running un-patched windows versions
and the dream was so real so powerful so intoxicating
i could feel myself slipping reality as the first cup of coffee became three
my interview went well lunch with the team handshakes and hugs all around
i had come unstuck from my first marriage disaster and i was ready to fly
to see europe brighton amsterdam and live the dream of global interactive marketing
a sharp chill to the boston air waiting in the plaza of emptiness
it was my soul that was empty – perhaps peter’s soul as well
across the pond he came to release me from my prison of success and failure
give me a chance to establish a global company presence in austin
give my old gig a run for their web-enabled future
i got the gig resigned my advertising gig and drove an old westfalia across the country
replaced a flat with a retread in bumfuck blue ridge mountain pass
shredded that same tire seventy miles later and needed a tow
snow began to fall as i set up my lonely life in the company house alone
at first i felt excited about the snow and future and my new champion role
on day three i had my first adult panic attack not without reason
my ghost began showing up for work at the plastic table and folding chair
how did i not see it how did peter sell me on leaving my corner office
what lust or visions of fame propelled me to a season near the crystal pallace
the twentieth anniversary of quadraphenia and the who were in town
i was getting massages from a warm round lady on the other side of town
gazing out my window at the dead beach in winter the sad crumbling parties
one pier and palace was functional amidst five haunted peer piers
my client in la was shouting at me at three am
we were five days from launching a major website for volvo in stockholm
and his boss didn’t like the design we’d been crafting and developing for weeks
*it’s okay, it’s the internet, we can reskin it in no time, it’s the content that’s hard*
i kept the client managed the launch and flew back to the freezing wesleyan house
the commuter trains were cool civilized probably what i wanted
an idea a success story a geographical move away from sadness and dead sisters
dawn out the window snow piled whitely over everything deep and wide
panic hormones were thriving in my nervous system like chills
this was not the dream i was aiming for
if i could tell that fellow at the table waiting for everyone to appreciate my brilliance
i’d say
don’t

10-27-24

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