you may now listen to his chapter free on YouTube: He Is Dead
We did not need to come to this horrible unthinkable tragic ending.
Or we may not yet be mourning the death of my son, but it’s 1:20 pm on another day of “where the fuck is he.” Yesterday was GUN SHOW day. He didn’t show. Later his text was hard for me not to clap back on. But I refrained. 
Left me hanging? He has no idea what that means to everyone around him. His mom, his stepdad, his sister, me. His world is so self-consumed in his misery and malfunction that he is acting and reacting like a teenager who can’t understand why staying up all night playing video games might affect your school the next day.
Fk. Okay. So…
He is not dead. But it’s pushing on towards afternoon with no contact, no “proof of life.” How do we get off the crazy train? As this poison infects all of us right now, how can we defend against the daily crisis, repair, reboot, crisis, repeat infinitely?
Indefinitely? No.
In his actions over this week (Monday: slept through therapy and psyche appointments, Tuesday: up all night so he wouldn’t sleep through redo therapy appt, Wednesday: slept through GUN SHOW FUN with me (complaining about withdrawal symptoms associated with drug addiction), Thursday: still dark. I’ve been sending him questions and images since about 8 am. A reasonable hour, I think.
Is he dead? Don’t know. It’s like Shrodinger’s Cat. We have no information. He has not surfaced or replied to any of his “team.” So, the people around him who love him so much are actually tortured by his “sorry” messages. I’m kinda done with being left hanging.
For me, I need him put away for 30 days so I can get back to my own life, my own projects and priorities. We all want to live our lives without a lot of interference from others. Our job. Our family obligagtions. Chores. Stuff we don’t want to do. We’re all trying to get ME TIME.
I am no longer going to “do too much” for him.
His mom is clueless about how to intervene. The message this morning is “If you can find a way to make the mountain an option for him.”
Yes, dear, that’s what I’ve been doing alone for two months. Thanks for joining.
So, here I sit, lay actually, writing and sorting through my own anger and opinions. Maybe that’s the angle. We are all full of anger and opinions. Has a nice resonance. Here’s an idea.
“Good afternoon, son, glad you’re alive. What do you want to do to change this situation?” Full stop.
I’m tired of being an opinion. I’m tired of being patient with our patient. We are all tired. We are frazzled and losing our perspective on this CRISIS. It’s a fucking crisis, can we call it what it is. And the simple and obvious explanation is drug addiction. Even admitted drug addiction at this point. So, my son:
What do you want to do to change this situation?
I’m listening.
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