Affirming the life changing envents of this moment are critical path essentiatls. Get this one right, or suffer for another ten years.

I won’t be complacent or curbed. Let me flow with the joy or let me go in a puff of fear and anxiety about your past. I cannot live with a partner consumed by the past failures, past regrets, and future fears. It doesn’t work.

I am learning that again, more clearly than in any previous relationship.

I cannot fix her, or wait around for her to become clear and available. I must move on. The fractures keep happening. She points the blame at me. Does not understand the concept of repair or rejoin. She cannot say “I’m sorry.” It’s me. I’m the problem.

Even when I point out, “Look at your texts from this morning. Is there one hint of you taking responsibility for being triggered and losing touch with the present moment? I can answer that for you. There is not. All that you have said this morning is that I’m the problem. My tone of voice is the problem.”

“Someone who speaks to me that way,” she fires back.

I want to ask, “Have you ever been in a relationship where arguments ended in solutions and joy?” I will not ask. What’s the point? She’s showing her cards. I am now required to show mine, and release her back into her divorce and empty house, without me. I won’t be the buffer. I don’t want to give you the feeling that you’ve got a new partner, as you are refusing to come visit my house, blaming me for 100% of the disconnect. I’m present and capable. I’m good at negotiations, even if they turn into arguments. She’ is more like a child.

If I express any frustration, she’s gone. It’s my fault. It’s how I’m speaking to her. And she’s made it clear, “I never want to be spoken to like that again.”

The last exchange was at a local organic grocery store. In public. As she was shutting down about me raising my voice, I asked, “Do you notice any of the tables around us, alarmed by my tone of voice? I am not yelling.”

“You can’t talk to me like that.”

“Like what?”

“And now you’re triggered. You can’t let go of it. You can’t hear me. You can’t talk to me like that.”

“Um, how is your kettle this morning, black?”

I didn’t say that.

She requested more time off, this morning. She will let me know. But she never wants to be talked to like that. Ever. And she never wants to be left. The mere act of leaving her house is an act of abandonment and restimulation of her… divorce. I mentioned that earlier. She’s not completed her divorce. She’s still saying, “He left me.”

The relationship was 18 years of dysfunction. She admits that. Oh wait, she’s blaming him for all the problems. He was 15 years younger. That could be a problem. He was a baby when they started dating. How did that happen? What was the allure of an unavailable child? “He wasn’t even attractive. He was more of a child.” Her words, not mine.

So, she’s got a precident for malfunctioning conversations. For being in an avoidant child who smokes a lot of week and leaves for weeks at a time with his swing band. Um. Yeah, so how did you say in a relationship that was so abusive for 18 years? How did he “leave you?” When you quit your job this summer, was that part of the leaving he was doing, or was that you ramping up the pressure to leave or solve the problem of you and him?

Anyway, he left. “He burnt bridges so he could never return.” Did he? Is that what I’m doing?

What’s different about me saying, “I am pulling back for a few days. Might go to the coast and spend some time in zen.” And you saying, “I’m asking you very clearly to stop talking to me the way you have been. If you cannot see or hear what is happening, and can’t stop yourself, then I can’t keep doing this with you. I am not causing you to do this. I am protecting my emotional self from you.”

Yep, that’s about the shape of it. It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m the triggered one. She’s all good. She’s had zero healthy relationships. Two marriages, one affair. And she’s still got her husband’s stuff in the garage. She’s left his bikes outside to rust. Her husband. Ouch.

My bad.

Reset. Reboot. Maybe not the coast today, but maybe Enchanted Rock. She must be set free to fly solo until she’s done with her moulting and transformation. She will have no problem attracting a partner. What kind of partner do you want?

Someone who is detached and abusive? What are you seeking? Perhaps, you should seek yourself first. I’m happy and sad to let you flop back into the river of life. I was on point for this. Now, I’m a month in, and the same complaints are aimed at me. Meanwhile, zero responsibility is taken for her loss of consciousness at any tension or friction in a converation.

When a conversational interruption is suddenly a trigger, that’s a problem. What causes you to vanish from your own body? Dissociation is a big problem. If you cannot return to the present moment, you cannot hear or accept an apology. You cannot BRAVE because you’re unaware that you might have 50% of the reins.

Bummer.

I walk back toward the river of life. Flowing by in waves of men and women. Maybe explore other rivers, other fish. Allow this tethered wren to find her own release. Repair with herself for staying in an abusive relationship for 18 years. Hindsight is 2020, but you can’t go from telling me, “You’re the most secure relationship I’ve ever been in,” and an hour later say, “I know I turn away when you get into this state and talk to me that way. It’s a defense mechanism. I stop giving myself to someone who talks that way. In that state, you are gone and I can’t get you back.”

Um, I’m not triggered or unable to remain present. I’m doing the metawork for both of us. I’m no longer going to be your coach, confidant. You need to find someone else to dump on. Expressing your pain, sadness, overwhelm, and anger at your husband is natural. Feeling angry and frustrated with the divorce process and your angry husband, is also tough. I’m not in those things. I’m an observer.

I’m also an innocent bystander. The “talk to me that way” is a way to blame me for your overreaction. We have to have disagreements.

“It’s a defense mechanism. I stop giving myself to someone who talks that way.”

Okay, that’s a wrap then.

back to the glitching index