No one wants to give up the fun. But when recreational trajectories become a lifestyle there’s going to be a crash, several perhaps, as things either wind up or burn down. No one enters rehab for the first time with a willing and open heart. That’s understandable. As a friend said, “Your kid can hold their breath for 30 days. It may take several tries.”
Two and a half weeks in I drove a few hours yesterday to take the temperature of my son. Of course there was already a girl. “The only reason I didn’t walk out yesterday.”
Hmm. Not the initial conversation I’d imagined. Maybe he needs me to see him as virile and masculine. Or perhaps transferring one unhealthy desire for another one is the plan. She’s a 5th-timer. “Heroin,” he said, later after lunch, as he schooled me in chess. I brought his compact chess set from his things.
And he’s off and running.
“I hate this place. It’s been a waste of time. I’m not going to a meeting after I walk out of here. Ever!”
I did not pick up the bait. I made a serious error in the chess match.
“We could go swimming. Have you been in the pool?”
“Yeah, I’ve been swimming.”
When I asked gently”, “Well you did have a problem with the Klonopin, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you can see how you were not able to do the detox on your own, right?”
“I’m never going to an NA meeting either.”
We wrapped up the chess match and shook hands. The girl and her mom were 75 feet away at another table.
“They don’t want you to pair up here, so it’s amazing we’re not restricted. I guess we weren’t all handsy in the pool or something.”
There was an impulse in me to give him a shot of reality. I paused. He was in enough of a struggle without losing my support. I stayed quiet. I asked about the playing cards I’d gotten for him on the day of his intake. “Have you opened the cards?”
“Not really.”
“Or Exploding Cats, I know it’s stupid but it’s really funny.”
“It’s just Cards Against Humanity.” Obviously, he didn’t open the box or entertain some other entertainment.
“She works in this business, back in Austin. She’s a fiver.”
“Fiver?”
“This is her fifth time in recovery. There’s a guy in here that’s at 22 times.”
“Yeah, this shit is hard.”
“I feel like I’d to the cocaine if I had it.”
I muted my response. He pulled out another cigarette laid down on the picnic table bench and exhaled thin streams of smoke. It was hot. I was feeling exhausted. I had a two-hour drive back, but I had skipped lunch, thinking I would eat with him.
“Is there anything else I can get you?”
“Out.”
“A Whataburger, or something?”
“No.”
“Okay then, I guess I’m gonna drive home.”
“I did play solitaire a few times.”
We got up and hugged. I wanted to say some words of support. I found nothing. As we began walking, he peeled off to go sit with his female friend and her mom. “Don’t play chess with him, he cheats,” I said. Everyone laughed.
The girl asked, “Do you cheat?”
“No.”
the one and the zero: > next | index
checkout the playlist for all audible chapters
