I’m tired, I’m hungover from drugs given to me for my dental surgery, again. Fk. This cycle has plagued me since seventh grade. But, when I do have this great smile, I’m gonna kill it.
Fk.
Tomorrow I work again at the grind of beautiful people and health insurance. This trap is not easy. I’m ready to bust out or break something trying. I could quit. I could push harder. I could…
Wait.
I’m not standing idle today. Push push push. This muse isn’t going to last forever and neither am I. I can feel the power rising as we close in on Thanksgiving, my usual high point of the year. If I play my energy and spiritual attachments right, I’m in for a big year. Hell, from here, anything would be up. There are still plenty of downsides possible. Let’s let those dogs sleep. No dogs in this house. My son sleeps in the next room with weapons and ammunition for an army.
I ask him, “What are you afraid of?”
He’s not no answer. “It’s like you are about cars, maybe,” he says.
“Nope.”
We don’t have to understand each other. I can support my kid diving deep into a hobby that frightens me. Today, I have loaded weapons of all calibers within reach of a depressed 24 year old. He was lamenting last night about “my birthday is gonna suck this year.” He’s also complaining, again, about “no desk.” At least the “no car” complaint isn’t an excuse.
We all need excuses for not being where we think we belong. The genius in me needs to be recognized. Soon, before I kill myself, or die on the job of boredom and ignorance.
I’m not waiting for anything. I’m in motion.
“I’ll show them,” used to be a childhood cry for attention. Today, it’s a fulcrum of motivation. Keep writing. Keep pushing. There is nothing that’s going to be provided for you. You are the agent of your own future.
This then (writing and singing) is my tool of excavation. I’m underwater financially. Each two week paycheck barely covers my car payment and electric bill. And the last “in play” job potential let me know yesterday that “corporate changed the requirements,” and we moved on with someone else. FK.
It’s early on Thursday morning. I work tomorrow at 11 am. Until then I burn. I slow and quiet for no one. Rage is not the answer. Calculated burning with results. I burn.
My smile is going to glow in the dark, motherfuckers!
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