wonder what darkness

has turned you black
against yourself
hope is hard to hang onto
when the hill ahead
the burden on your back
comes each day

i am at a loss
and one of the tormentors
holding you underwater
until you learn to breathe
like good boys do
conforming to expectations
goals we can all agree
are good for you

what is good for you now
where does joy flow in your life
any push or positive energy
i can offer
is not a comfort
but a reality check

are you doing something for you
have you eaten
are you getting enough sleep
somedays i wish i was your friend
not your dad
*what the fuck dude*
*it’s like you want to fuck it up*
but
i know
i’ve been inside the wired mind of loss
i cannot hold your hand
or comfort you in the storm
it is the joy in front of you
just out of your view or reach
that somehow somehow somehow
i am preventing
or asking the questions
to show you how
either make a plan
or churn in the hell of this moment

*i am here*
i say
offering you breakfast
*when you wake up*
checking in a few hours later
*i just ate*
it’s not about the food
son
it might be about being seen
honest rational questions
*have you tried*
*what about*
*what’s your plan*

sometimes parents have to take away their children’s toys
until morale or behavior or circumstances change
i can’t tell which way is up either
and in the darkness of this morning
breakfast here alone is unnourishing
does not provide the lift i crave

that is not your job either
know that

also
remember
i share several black dogs with you
four or so decades ahead
wishing i had the answer
the joy
the belief in you
to compel your own inner song
reconnecting with harmonies
that began the moment i lifted you into the air

4-23-24

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