I don’t think I’m the devil.
I’m a writer.

Last summer I was alone in the house for a week. In a state of mild depression…

We all deal with depression of certain levels. Let’s define the idea. Sad: something bad happens, someone dies, you lose a wife, girlfriend, or relative. Depression: even after a month or two we feel unable to get out of bed. We do get out of bed, realize our mistake, and get back in bed.

Okay, but let’s apply this idea to relationships and work. I try to live my life with ease. Not impinging on the rights or liberties of others. Still, we have problems. Either move toward your plan or go against it.

You’ve got to have a plan, first. A lot of my life thus far has been getting my “plan” together. Do I go for the big job again, right now? Do I jump back into the $15 an hour retail gig? Do I sell everything? Do I rent my house and move away?

If I’m in a relationship that feels really good, what sort of things will blow me out of my happy place? Hmm. Conflicts on the same issue repeating on infinity. No. Moments of conflict turning into your fault, not mine. It makes no sense to me. Thus, I puzzle on the core of the issue.

If all the issues are mine, if all the red flags are mine, what’s hers?

Enough of that inquiry. No fruit there. Time for an ascendant weekend. She flies into her other world, the liminal us that seems to expand and contract by the day or hour. If you delete all of our accounts each time I leave, I can see how it feels like I’m not just going home, I’m going away forever.

That’s not my intention. I’m hanging out here, so we can maybe sort through the malfunctions on both sides. But hey, it is always me that gets stuck, always me that gets angry, and always me that leaves… That’s a narrative that’s not helpful to you or me. It might be where you live. It is only my reality in relationship with you.

Why would I keep going? What’s the hook? It would be more courageous to walk away from one of the best things I’ve ever had. Give them time. Sort themselves out before taking their show on the road. “I can find lots of nice men, I just haven’t been looking.”

Yeah.

I’m not one of the nice men.

I don’t think I’m the devil. I’m a writer.

{When You’re On Top. the wallflowers. soundtrack}