threads and bloodlines

it is common
for emotional variability to run in families
like my father before me
and my son below
some father son and holy ghost thing going on here
does that make me
what
a
man
in
the
middle

i reach for my boy
my own space of chemical liminal firings
woven threads
some
collective
unconscious
a spiritual infection
restructures my mental architecture
new pathways firing
igniting
illuminating a path forward
for the two living and one spirit
storytelling
language
touch
eye to eye

…

i will pause here to let everyone catch up

…

in between days are the hardest
the raging storm is known and approaching
shelter
here
we speak and wander in our own circles of light and dark
aligned in space and time of the living
his father’s father
restimulated in me
unfamiliar to my son
beyond the dashing man he resembles
and reveres
as a fine cultural icon
myth
anti-hero
my dad

guns guns and more guns
gold
cars
exotic animal trophy hunts
money was no longer a limitation
only soul sickness

his father
the good country doctor
established a healthy pediatric practice here
austin texas pre-everything
allergy capital of the world
[i’ll come back to this later]
making my beautiful boy*
4th generation royalty
he
no longer believes in himself
remembers
less
every moment
spiraling out and away
he sits in the alcove
above the slowing cityscape below
a calm
a point
a
stillness

as i cannot feel much of the original doctor mcelhenney
his legacy
touches our lives this very minute
his precise and furious control of his son
created a demon
spite and revenge
dark prince
power
up

the myth
is what we pass down
*you’ve told me this before*
*so many times*
and you are not hearing
or
making adjustments

i seek points of contact
as well as exit signs
he takes the moment
my son
explores the compartmentalized yaw
and
hits eject
*i’ll be right back*

he doesn’t come back

my father died at fifty-something
an ultra-successful adonis narcissi sysphus
curled into a swirling ball of hate
blurring back and forth between this world
and wherever he was heading
a withered athlete and dancer
moviestar ambitions restricted
crushed
unextinguished
his moments
of disbelief
the winnings no longer mattered
his hand in mine
no longer
conscious
but the red embers
smoldered
in every waking eye movement
around the hospital room
assessing the situation
sitrep
i was in the room
my perfectly broken sister was beside me
he shuddered with a breath
closer to the edge than we could know
he knew
burned
here
until he let go

a powerful legacy
flows through our human existence
some days we are aware of our ancestors
o me ta qui assen
to all my relations

and we forget

the dead never forget
never leave
wax and wain
influence
dependent on attention
stillness of mind
pause
breathe
wait

tai chi was part of my current training
along with the hard forms
i slowed my monkey mind
with zen
meditation
brush strokes of sumi ink
and a wooden sword

as all of my world
is
was
and always
disappears
down a stairwell
*elevators scare me*
*too confined*

my dad
released his confinement
one afternoon
15 Sep 1983 (aged 54)
his sister was visiting
said it was peaceful
find a grave link

my dad’s dad
tried an intervention in maui
to stop the baffling and cunning disease in his wife
unable to manage another person
at a loss
he
the doctor, mind you
took a bit too much of his coumadin
his body was flown back to texas
i was shielded at the time
from funerals
death
endings

my son
is escaping
from this moment of peace
without peace
a window that doesn’t open
room without a balcony
both a risk and convenience
if you smoke
or suffer from the black plague

we are all leaving
many have left

still hover
nearby

i lost track
a few photos
along his journey out
weaving a lie
of his intended
release

he could not tell me
i was the only friend he had
and
also
a devil
preventing his happiness

i did not give up
but after a few *delivered* messages
he went dark

a dark night of the soul for me
my son
and perhaps our angels

i had a remedy for sleeplessness
he had
nothing
no guns
no gold
no girl

me

my infinite dad soul waited
for the snapping feeling
severance
end

03-02-24

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