there will be days

if he were more like hunter s thompson rather than less
perhaps he would find agency to reroute his plans
the kingpin money he hoped for
became the big bad wolf of a father
who took his stash
and
his loaded weapons
fear and loathing theme and style
except he wasn’t as funny as depp
i wasn’t as fat as the samoan
he didn’t ride bikes or motorcycles
ever
he doesn’t seek joy in the things he used to
something is wrong
i have some idea
we share a bloodline
where loss of hope
begins a spiral
downward
into a darkening choppy body of water
no parent can follow
i stand on the edge of the unknown
watching my son sleeping
upright in a chair next to me
haircut and hoodie like a cosplay
bad russian refugee
airpods in
20 feet from a bed of his own unmaking
i
wish
i had more push or pull
my anger seethes
and causes him to go blushing silent and scared
so i rarely
have ever so rarely
raised my voice
i do speak loudly
he
like a mouse
mumbles from another room
speaks to himself i think
as he heads off down the hallway
in the daytime and nighttime
trapped in a bad soap opera
filled with dramatically unfit moms
awakening to the idea
that her divorce
might have been
her
mistake
as she froze me out of the parenting path
taking them on
imagining she had some mama magic
our boy and girl needed

hello bitch
it’s here
your wake-up call
i have been carrying the load for three weeks thus far
glad you could join us

let’s start with something a bit more rugged
down and out in dallas and austin
might be a more fitting classic
no money
no prospects
no place to live
two young men of color were paid in cash
to move his shit into the shed in my backyard
one was his only friend in the barrio of loss
an endless maze of apartments
starting with the letter b
texting mom last week for his address
she gave me the wrong name
she didn’t fkn know her son’s apartment complex name
and she’d recently blazed up there in a motherly rescue
*to check on the boy*
came back
with no memory of the location
his or hers
less than zero
an emotionally unavailable attractive old mom
how i do seem to prefer them
i was raised by an emotionally unstable
yet overwhelmingly affectionate
mom
i was that little boy man
protector
i suppose the role my son assumed
as daddy left on a business trip
never came back

of course
i never left
never stopped reaching little hands
seven and nine years old
king taken off the board
gave each of my precious *dad hours* in joy
more joy than mom will ever muster
in the middle of an attack
stretching to forgive
on-going
not much different than today
today
week three of the siege of our son
today
she decided to check on other options
accepted by their health insurance plan
other options
today
thanks for waking up and joining this regularly scheduled
shitshow
her blue-lipped husband texting me
today
week three
thank you
you’re a good dad

watching your child sleep is a gift
as littles they are miracles
giving hope and belief in god
as drug-infested young liars
they also pull at the hope-strings
even if the movie is likely to go poorly
this time
it is me with the power
she is feral and not well
seeking a program for her lost boy
two years too late
out from a den fog haze of her malfunction
the same
*oh shit*
wife in marriage counseling
same-day service with an attorney
about options
a lot like today
dad has a plan
hmm
let’s see if i can fuck it up
find an alternative route
maybe keep him closer to home
today
week three
i understand
how i was lucky
to get out and away
hearing the same broken excel logic from him
that i heard in all negotiations
where is your heart woman
how does a person bury their emotions so deep
stranger to life love living
kids who need love not trips to the mall
i was not prepared
when she pulled the fk you switcheroo
in the cooperative divorce
unwilling to lawyer up
i waved goodbye to my rights as a dad
and 70% of my time with my two children
so yeah
he is sleeping here nearby
she is sleeping miles away
wondering how she is going to keep the truth
with help
he has a chance of waking up
she
may never wake up from this nightmare
the sorrow regret guilt shame loss
in her tattered soul
providing some emotional anesthesia
causing a sleepy effect
anytime she opens a text or her mouth
dead

03-10-24

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