I adore the feeling of a partner sleeping or cuddled beside me at night. It’s one of my favorite treats or rituals of a loving relationship that I cherish and at the moment lack. So my bed is full of pillows. Cats too, but it’s the heavy fluffy crushable pillows that wedge me in at nights alone. While they can’t hug me back, I can get wrapped up in pillows in a way that soothes my body into relaxation and release.
The cats participate, but their attention-based love is different. Good. Revitalizing.
Having a pair of cats to converse with when I come home is a godsend. One thing I am not is lonely. I use the word, sure, but my soul is happy. My open-ended time on nights and weekends fill me with delight. Yes, I do get motivated to establish a new partner, this time, however, I’m determined to take my time. Not jump at imprecise energy or sexual chemistry. I have done that in the past with less-than-stellar results.
The state of my house, housekeeping, has become a sticking point for me. Time to pull my presentable life out of the bachelor-like attention I am paying to my kitchen or the surface of my kingsize bed for one. I have been making so many positive changes in the last few years, I saw this, last night, as a sign of dysfunction. I know it has an impact on my serenity. I go along, I’m fine, it’s fine, no worries. But, when I do clean up my bedroom it feels calmer, even more hopeful. So, I want to do more of that.
Everything is in flux.
Work. Creative process. Fitness. Aspirations. Energy.
I spiked a few days ago. Big writing. A song fragment with lyrics. A driven energy to get stuff done. And yesterday, a tendency to blow right through a potential new partner, not for lack of restraint and disclaimers. She said she was an introvert. I took that in. I attempted to calm my ass down. I was partially successful. There was no “what’s next” at the end of our coffee. Not for either of us. There was interest, intelligence, even multiple connections. Not a YES, however.
The YES is the thing. In life, YESES give us energy, direction, affirmation. I have an idea, an ideal, that I will continue my own self-reemergence and walk with open eyes and an open heart into new experiences. I have come to believe that my fourteen years as a single dad have not been unsuccessful. I have been loved. I have lost. I have rarely lost hope.
Also, hope is a thing. An energetic network, that for me, fuels risk, adventure, and possibilities. When I lose hope I fall.
Comfort of the pillows provides a muscle memory of hope. I will be wrapped around a new partner in time. What I am trying to promise myself this time is to not settle for SURE. I want YES. Not to accelerate into MAYBE, but to give things time to emerge in any new conversation. Yesterday I did not do that.
Okay, I did some of it, but even after saying, “I’m getting tired of hearing myself speak” I had to reel myself back and continuously stop myself from adding on to her stories. I did fair. I was a bit tired after our time. It was fun, enlightening, and a miss. To be fair, she was delightful and just as presented on her dating profile. It just wasn’t a YES.
