in *hey* i attempt to wake from the ai slumber party

If this is love. Is this worth the struggle?
If we can keep it together through
these troubled times…

Nothing that I was doing was different, only quickened. As if the pace of my writing, my panic at not getting it all down in time, caused me to rush ahead without fear of consequences. I lost my kids and their mother with my first writing jag about being a single dad. Now, I suppose I’m doing the same dance as representative of the “single dad” class. It’s my brand.

A blog about being a single dad.

Is it time to give it up? Become attached? Or remain single by scaring off good and worthy candidates with my lack of boundaries and privacy filter? In the past, I would read aloud any post that contained fragments of my relationship. I’d share what I wrote before I published it. It worked. It was good for me to feel heard by my partner, too, so it served more than one purpose.

I write. If you are in my life, it’s likely you will have a bit part here and there. If you are my primary romantic interest, a bit more screentime can be expected. I like to say, “I’m friends with all of my exes, except for the alcoholic.”

It’s mostly true.

How are things different? First, I’m no longer writing a blog about relationships, dating, and being a single parent. The blog is still active, but now recycles content and promotes my books. I am writing about my real life in my novel experiment I call #hyperfiction. Smashing modern social and digital media and blending up a novelist’s excess of content, and you have words that jump from playlists to YouTube channels, to social media posts, and even audio snippets of conversations. There’s no source of content that is off limits.

Okay, so, I’m more recently aware of my fear of a big yes, a big love, a big win. All bets are off, but there’s still a glimmer of hope. Time is going to give us the clues. Space the ambition. And patience to see how things align or don’t align over the next six weeks of the summer. A lot is in play. Many things will change.

What is the hurry?

It’s one of the biggest koans of life. If everything is in it’s perfect place, and god is in charge, why struggle? Why hurry? Slow down and enjoy resting in the arms of your lord’s pick for your life.

Um… I am not really into this idea, are you?

Stronger. Healthier. Happier. Loved.

(revised)

My mantra came into play a few nights ago. I woke at 2 am for a bio break. I felt a flutter of anxiety about the busy schedule of the day. Getting ready for an appeal of my unemployment denial. Poking at a new client who is dragging their feet because they are too busy to take the next step. And my client is angry about the deliverability of email firing off from some AI platform they purchased before I was involved.

I was worried about something.

This mantra was a variation on one I used when I was trying to get in better shape. I was following the alcoholic up these steep hills and complaining. “You’ll either make it, or you’ll die.” That was her empathetic response. She was right. I did not die. She is still alive as well, as far as I know. We don’t talk much since the book came out. The book she suggested I write, btw.

It was the addition of the last state, “loved” that gave me hope. If this is love. Is this is worth the struggle? If we can keep it together through these troubled times…

That’s a lot of if-ing. I’m not much of a gambler.

*HEY* index

placeholder for next chapter: Confidence Man Seeks Sanctuary