snowfall

it was the longest coldest saddest walk
back to the apartment building
alone
an opening in the fabric
life
winter
death
gone
in a flash
i told her the truth
she left
i pursued

i have only one wish tonight
freeze to death before i get back home
i can’t stand the smell of old toast
my coffee is the cheapest stuff
i reheat it
all day
put the extra in the mini-frig
on its last gasps
my mom gave me a microwave oven
that was twenty years ago
a crappy one
that still works
stopped beeping when you touch the buttons
that drove her crazy
can’t you get a new one
isn’t it important how your place looks
if you shower
shave
once in a while

i don’t know
i was fond of her
fond of not loneliness
not really in love or anything
just compatible
spoonable
sex was okay too
but not the most important part
that was her voice
she sounded like a torch singer
from a lost era
i can’t think of the artist’s name
but she sounded like
a beautiful black jazz singer
on a saturday night
in harlem

i’ve never been
i’m not going now
i may not make it
the laundromat is flooded in the building
snow or some such
i need to wash everything
get her out
fabulosa
lavender
reminds me of being a kid
coming home on the bus
to a sparkling house
mom was out getting her hair done
faye was making me a snack
this is not like that moment
this is the end of what i thought i knew
today
tonight
gone fishing in the dark
without a flashlight
or hope

2-21-24

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