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one was me

 

one was me

in my life with a son and a devil
a girl once tried to convince me
that the roses love poems and candy
from an old flame
meant nothing

they were magnificent
overwhelming
mother’s day birthday christmas valentine’s day
*how is this hurting you*

it was hard to
not compete exactly
hard to
justify our partnership with so many leaks exits secrets
and the wall that separated us from them
was only open for her
and her boy

i was a blank

my birthday on thanksgiving
was dreamy and warm inside
filled with pumpkin pie
i met a man about an armoire
she wanted to unload

*we’re going over*
*no sure how long we will be gone*

forever

and ever

the craigslist customer was looking for something more real
he backed his truck down the long driveway
both of us disappointed

and
i
found
myself
again

alone

in the house of the damned
depressed
abandonment is a trigger
for anyone
everyone
can’t you understand
don’t you even love

me

i fell onto the kingsize bed
a better foam provided by her brother
gearing up to sell his ratty castle in south austin
abandon ship

in the moments following
i pulled a few books a blank book i was filling
and my mbp
into the black bmw rocketship of dispair
also backing down the long driveway now
a sweeping corner above the lake
the game in progress
her the boy the devil and his wife
*just playing catch*

i disintegrated into sparks
white hot
blind burst of energy and chemistry
up and out
over and done
away

losing my place
in the story of us
erasing futures
rewriting
another fucking poem about loss

she cried but not one tear
the day the verbal countdown was over
*i’m moving today*
a moment
freezeframe
she seemed confused

clarity and boundaries were not her strong suit
i walked out
a third attempt at escape velocity
loaded fueled and ready to go
black hole sun of a sunday
a beautiful friend woman writer says
*you can stay with me*
her daughter was away at college

i collapsed
got to know trouble the cat
who could not be bothered 99 percent of the time
still blessing my lap
occasionally
warmth purrs and calm
from lanie to lane
i tripped on the names for a bit
not on the meaning
or affection
resting comfortably
not surrounded by friends and family
one was dying one was very old one was distant and cold
one was me

12-24-23

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