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I’m not a big believer in “God will not give you more than you can handle.” It doesn’t ring true for me when I’m going through a tough time. I’m more inclined to go with something more like, “You’ll either make it, or you’ll die.”
I have passed through a very heavy period. The wheels came off my clown car, the nation slipped into tyranny, and then the unthinkable happened. I lost my voice. All of it. Had to go into hiding. I hid from everyone but my girlfriend. My two kids were none the wiser, but my daughter was dissappointed that I couldn’t meet her at the tennis workout. She understood my “quiet periods.”
I couldn’t let anyone see what had happened to me. I couldn’t admit that I was a bit out of control. And then the karma of the universe kicked in and brought me to a screeching halt. All that I held dear went quiet. My singing voice was gone. My YouTube talking head options were gone. I lost my tennis tribe. I lost everything.
If you’d a talked to me during that period, let’s say April of this year, I wouldn’t not been able to tell you anything hopeful about my situation.
THAT IS THE LIE OF DEPRESSION.
DEPRESSION ERASES HOPE OF A BETTER FUTURE.
I’m not sure *god* cares all that much about my individual circumstances or struggles. And I certainly know that the Serenity Prayer provides me with more agency than the Lord’s Prayer.
Maybe this struggle and failure of my plans brought me back to square one. The blank page of my life. What do I want to create from here? Is it about money, sex, fame, fitness, longevity? Who would want to live longer when depressed, raise your hand. Nobody? Got it.
On the otherside of a dark period I can only offer hindsight observations. While I’m IN THE DARKNESS I can’t do much except filter out my crazy thoughts as best I can.
“Wow, that’s a really fucked up thought,” I learned to say to myself when my brain was trying to kill me with shame, sadness, or loneliness.
Today, I’m not lonely. And the river of life streaming by at my job as a happy cashier, has reconsituted me. I regained my voice, my smile is still in stages of repair. But I survived the moment of despair. The hope of the future was voted out of office and we have all struggled mightily since the coronation of the would-be-idiot king.
I am here to do my job, smile, make contact. I’m not hear to change your mind. I’ll join with you in conversation if you’re open to my initial inquiry.
“Hi, I’m glad you’re here. Did you find everything you were looking for?”
Isn’t that a great question? Let’s keep asking ourselves that. What are we looking for? What am I looking for? There is no “end goal” as people ask about this writing. This is simply one of the ways I explore my existence and my mindfulness practices. Writing helps me crystallize the ideas and push further into the hopes and dreams I still have.
“Is there anything you didn’t find that you were looking for?”
Namasté.
[Listen to the Deep Dive explore the concepts of The Happy Cashier.]
The hope I see in others
becomes the hope I have for myself,
my life, and my own journey.
– The Happy Cashier
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ALT: Botisatva’s Bookshelf | The Happy Cashier Podcast
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