I have cultivated the act of compassionate termination of relationships that no longer serve my purpose. At the moment, I’m happy and sad to share that I am alone in my purpose. Again.
A new awakening is breaking through my old baggage and failed attempts. And, I still have a hard time saying goodbye and good luck. I no longer want to be a part of your journey, but I do, sincerely, wish you well.
She was good to me. Great for my health, my love life, my community and feeling of family. She is no longer in my tribe. Last night we shared a loving and happy phone call. This morning, I’m hungover from it.
I tried to share with her about my newly embraced path of joy. By myself, I am the only arbiter of my joy and enthusiasms. I am not in control. But I am not dependent on anyone for my happiness either. Alone, in debt, and in a shitty job, I am thriving. I’m amazed. I’m happy. I’m craving my alone time and making good use of it. The pressure of the job and it’s time compression is this: I’m on fire. I’m motivated. I’m pushing against the bad hours, bad management, and bad pay.
In my years long quest to replace my high-paying excutive job, fully-remote, I am relaxing into this retail life. Again. Not where I want to be. A high-learning experience to be sure. I am learning a great deal about myself, my desires, my habits, and my energy. I don’t have time for anyone who is a drain. None. Zero.
I’ve got two kids nearby. A healthy lifestyle and creative approach to life. And in this moment, I am complete. Completely alone, yes, but that’s life, isn’t it? Even when we are in a relationship a good part of our journey is solo. I don’t need or want someone to complete me. I have to complete myself. I have to sustain my own joy. I have to satisfy my own cravings. Needs. Wants.
Today, I want for nothing.
Sure, I’m hungry for affection and touch. I am not willing to give up my moment. Even in my job hunting, I’ve taken a pause. What if this type of job, low-wage, low-risk, is just the fulcrom I need to push against? This job is part of the pressure to publish, write, create, sing. I am expressing myself on all frequencies. Broadcasting today for joy. Not hunting. Not seeking anyone. Not asking for anything in return.
I don’t know if my “mindfulness” is a new feature of myself, or if I am using the zen widom as some sort of grand coping mechanism. Does it matter? Am I faking my self-awareness? Trying to wear the bottisattva? Trying on the detached desire of self love, spiritual love, God’s love?
I know, in the long run, physical love is also part of my desire.
I am in the long run now, and not waiting to find a person to complete myself. I have a good self image. I’m fit and healthy. More importantly, I am radiantly happy. I need to STFU most of the time, but even that is endearing in small doses.
Last night, at the end of a lovely “catch-up call,” she said, “Well, you were silent for like ten days.”
“A phone call is an easy thing,” I replied.
“Can you come visit?”
“Um…”
The body language expressed her disappointment. I am going to disappoint her one last time. This is the last time. She has done nothing wrong. She is lovely. And she gave me a four-year journey of new awarenesses, new insights into love and desire, and ultimately, release last summer, when I broke up with her the first time.
I am not trying to be smug, or holier than thou. I gave everything I had. I even gave it a second shot. Last night I got the message across without being mean. I’m not coming to California. I’m not making plans to join you. I am hap hap happy on my own.
I can tell how joyous I am by my creative output. I can’t stop writing, singing, and drawing. Life is hard and tiring, and good.
What I want:
- time to write
- energy and inspiration to write
- community with healthy and supportive people
- new communities
- connections with others on the path of growth and recovery
- less complication and distraction
- less disapppointments
- more restful moments
I cannot get any of these things from holding on to things I’ve worked to let go of. Continuing the banter and engagement with my ex-girlfriend may contribute to negative consequences. I’m trying to be nice. I will be unavailable.
My availability is by intention and appointment only. For work, I will show up, do my shift, and return to my cats and my carnival of happiness. Today, your participation is optional.
I am not waiting. I am no longer seeking. I am at a point of stillness. Good. Quiet. Rested. In love with myself. Falling in love with my time and my unadulterated zest for life. That’s what I’m attracted to in others. So I will radiate and show up. That’s all I need to do for now.
RADIATE.
SHOW UP.
ENJOY.
