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First, I had to forgive myself. I had to refind the compassion for me. Back at square one again. Yes, several factors beyond my control had lead to my situation, but the shame I was feeling, being in my 60s, working back at the grocery store. I never thought I’d hit this place again. A rock bottom of sorts.
But it wasn’t rock bottom. I had not failed. I had certainly not given up. One of the great lessons my mom taught me was perseverance: “Never give up.”
Love for oneself is the first step along the path back to hopefulness, back to wholeness, back to recovery. I was here again to learn how to love myself.
The second step, was letting go of my own expectations. I had some belief that I deserved a better life. I carried the entitlement of my childhood, the son of a wealthy doctor. I went to the best schools, made good grades, excelled in sports, and for a good portion of my adult life I earned an exemplary wage, and built a career of highlights and success.
Now, I was back in a scary place, where my income crashed to ZERO and my mental health sagged. I had left my girlfriend of three years in a creative fuge. And as 2025 arrived, the horror of the current administration plunged me into a hopelessness I had know only once before, during the pandemic. All of my hope drained away as I began to spend down my retirement accounts.
The third step for me, as I began to cashier again was to stop comparing my life, my expectations with the successful, healthy, and mostly younger people who were shopping at my store. Youthful men and women, passing through my lane, buying food and supplies, transformed from a jealose resentment into something different.
Why would I resent their success? In the words of Dan Millman, The Peaceful Warrior, why would I resent the guy for mowing his own lawn at seven in the morning? Why would I hate the healthy athlete who could run a marathon, just because I could not? How could I find the love and abundance inside myself, to love and appreciate the steady flow of loving and living people before my eyes?
The fourth step, was releasing myself and my time to the universe. Not in a woo-woo way, but in a compassionate and mindful way. I am not here to pass judgement on anyone, resent anyone’s success, health, vibrance. I am here to reserve my own issues and complaints and simply be of service. I had to let go completely of my own agenda, and what I wanted for my life, my kid’s lives, and the lives of my future grandkids.
As I have today off to reflect on my journey, I am grateful I have again been show my own frailty. I have learned to appreciate the health and energy of others. And on good days I can add and match that energy. On low days I can be at peace in my own skin and simply appreciate the human interaction, the connections
The hope I see in others, becomes the hope I have for myself, my life and my own journey.
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ai prompt: A sumi brush image of a happy cashier at a fancy grocery store, he has spikey gray hair, a beatific smile, and a black apron and purple shirt. He is smiling at you. Offering his attention. Seeking enlightenment in the moment with you.
