A single point of order about this specific girl: I am creating this dream. Only my relentless intrusion continues to move the chess pieces around. I’m a complication.
Before me she was fine and happy. After me she will also be fine and happy.
Still… We dance some unknown step. A thesis for an unwritten book of poetry perhaps. Pure construction. No force. Easy patience.
It’s easy to admit that still pining for a girl I met in first grade, across all these years, lifetimes, losses, aspirations, has a romantic appeal. A movie script I’m writing in my mind. “If you were in my movie…” I’d prefer Wes Anderson to Bas Learman for the director.
What the mind and heart will do when given some emotional prompts. I paint breakfasts by the ocean, naps in the mountains, dancing by moonlight, and finishing it off with skinny dipping under the warm stars of some future summer. How’s that? Like a bad online dating profile? Well, to be honest, I’ve got very little to go on.
Of the three ingredients: hope and love and time, we’ve only got one. Hope.
I guess that’s what powers human hearts. Mine pulses with optimism and excess energy most of the time. I’ve had my downs and crackups for sure, but those are behind me. (fingers crossed) Hope is my engine, my super power, my electrical impose that keeps tickling plastic keys into prose.
I’m hope powered.
I’m also realising my ambitions do not take time or distance into consideration. Like my little experiment opening my online dating profile to include New York City. How would this work? I imagined different scenarios. A wealthy and well-centered woman wants to relocate to Spain for a few years, “While this country settles down a bit.” Or, a professional athlete or entertainer. Or someone with no chemistry but tons of charisma. I’m talking nonsense now. I think my body is truly beginning to ache for touch. The kittens are great, but…
I try and learn from my efforts at finding a rest-of-my-life-together partner. I am no longer sure this is, or should be, the goal. My previous relationship lasted damn near three years. We loved each other. We made some adjustments. We fell short of our goal. It wasn’t a failure. It was a complete cycle. In that time I was madly in love, passionately focused on, and spending all available time with my partner. My one.
Now that it’s ended do I have to mark it up as a failure? If lifetime is my goal, then yes. What if joy is my goal. Let’s share joy as long as we can. When the joy becomes something different we can negotiate or reboot. I did not fail in my last relationship. I was successful. We did not make it to light speed. The trip was wonder-filled and true. I understood what being securely attached felt like. I felt the power of certainty that I had found my forever partner.
I don’t think you can hedge your bets in love. I believe it’s 100% or bust. As my last lover seemed confounded by my requests I learned she was not the one. She was lovely. She was the best I’ve known since divorce. She was no longer co-piloting my ship. Time for rebooting.
In my next relationship, I hope to dive in without fear. I pledge the same honesty I’ve always exhibited in my relationships. I will put all of my cards on the table, show you x-rays of the skeletons still hanging around, and negotiate the fulfillment of both of our love languages. I’ve been studying this romance and relationship thing like a scientist. There’s no accounting for my current gravitational pull back toward dusty playgrounds and a blonde girl I could never catch and wouldn’t want to catch except in my dreams. We ran around. We’re still running around.
She is an idea. The love and conscious effort I continue to demonstrate, that’s the shape of things to come. I will bring joy to any partner, that’s my gift. If there is a change of plans, I will also leave without drama or accusations. I have learned how to breakup well.
What’s ahead for us, modern single parents? Do we just stay alone? It’s easier. Do we give up on the dream we had? I’m not good at that one, obviously. And what’s the harm in following a dream? More harm by abandoning the dream prematurely due to fear or stress. Or money. It’s important I turn a few creative cycles to income-producing activities. Let’s follow this thing down the rabbit hole, and also be realistic.
title: Je m’amuse – I amuse myself in French
