in *hey* i attempt to wake from the ai slumber party
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How many? I’ll wait.
Follow me on a short and twisted setup for this story. A few nights ago, writing and eating popcorn in bed, I sneezed. We’re allergy prime in Austin. My bright, heavy, and thin iPhone AIR slipped out of my hand, I was texting someone, and landed on the keyboard of my laptop with a hard smash. The screen turned purple. No more working on that one.
Today, I’m on my brother’s old computer. A massive 17′ 2014 MBP. A great machine. Heavy. Anyway, as you start using an old machine, opening emails and messages might provide some interesting results, time travel wize.
The night before my best friend in New Mexico died, we were texting about my recent adventure into the Catskills for a music retreat. He responded.
George died within a few hours of this text, responding to the video shown above. LINK (if you want to see it)
George never responded; he had left the planet.
And fuck if I don’t have another best friend, this one my surrogate father for the last 35 years. Was dying of prostate cancer. No liver cancer. The fast kind. Fuck. I’m doing a project he though of, Wakeup Grandpa! We’re recording jokes and haiku of his deadpan humor. It’s a fun distraction for both of us. We find way to spend more time together at this time, not less.
I am running into the burning building. I want to be near my friend. The man who has had more influence on my life than my father, by a long shot. Dad died at 22.
“You’re be with a lot of people going through this,” he said casually. “Yes, I am here for this. I will do whatever I can to support you and Ila.”
So, he’s fucking dying. Who else?
Me.
I guess that’s the wakeup we all need. We are dying. We will lose loved friends more frequently the longer we live. That’s the tradeoff. Live and you will survive your friends, family, and (oh no!) children.
My oldest sister’s death by suicide at 32 nearly killed the rest of us. My mom never quite regained her shine and optimism after that. Two or three years of mourning. I am still mourning. My dad died before her. My brother died seven years ago. My mom died only last week. No, it was several years ago. I can tell you that, because her estate provided the down payment on my modest house. YAY.
I have lost a lot of people. I am losing another in close proximity.
There’s only one response as a loving and strong human. Love more. Love again. Love whenever possible. Love everyone. Love your enemies.
I took Aikido for a few years, and I loved the philosophy. Love your attacker enough to not kill or maim them as you neutralize the threat.
Letting go of people in real life, as in removing them from your life, is also a necessary process. Those people you text over the years, old connections, who never text back. Just stop. The pseudo-best friend who wants the gossip about your hardships, perhaps to make himself feel better. About being a life coach with marginal life skills. To pine for a loving partner, yet take zero leaps. Still looking, always longing, for the *perfect* woman to complete him.
News flash: The most perfect woman is going to walk out the door.
“there’ll be no safety in numbers/ when the right one walks out the door”
-pink floyd, on the turning away
About that *right one* concept. I have just blown through a right one. An unstable operating system, however. Unfinished business. A *right one* is two people making every effort to sync and align with their beloved. When that process changes, when one of the pair lets the fear plugin affect their outlook and experience bad things happen. Projection. Depersonalisation. Accusation. Transference. Avoidance. And the void: dissociation.
Blank. Zoned. Ghosted. MEGO – my eyes glazed over.
Or, triggered.
Meaning your brain has shut down the reasoning part and is now considering running, hiding, or firing loaded rounds.
I am learning ever more clearly that trying to continue any conversation after the “glaze” has arrived is painfully unhelpful. Might spur a fight. A shout. A phrase spoken in anger by me, that would be echoed for months. Months. As an example of what? What a terrible person I am?
I guess so.
Letting a friend and lover fade away is also hard. A form of death. Death by restriction, indifference, and separation of time and space. Away from your beloved, you pine. Away from your chupacabra, and you breathe a sigh of relief. How are you feeling about your lover? Joy? Stress? Fear?
Sorry, didn’t mean to go all life-coachy on you.
A relationship in retreat looks like this. Dates, rendezvous, events are missed, intentionally declined, or just timed out. “Ran into friends, chatted.” And the most familiar, “I’m tired.”
All valid reasons for a miss. Also, valid ways to avoid reopening the conversation. Best to break up and make a full go of it. No contact. Block socials and texting. Restrict any comms. If there are no logistics to work out, there are no communications. If there is a date set yet missed. That too is an indication of relationship status. “I’m so exhausted.” Not an invitation, a defense. Or manipulation? A miss caused by fear.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
There is no benefit to anxiety about the future.
There may be some therapeutic benefit to examining past hurts, transgressions, and wounds. Do that outside of your love relationship. Your partner is not your therapist. But, don’t ignore the warning signs. More missed invitations. Excuses. Deflections. “I’m tired.” Or even, “You must be so tired and comfy in your bed.” The message underneath that one is this: “Or you would come over to be with me.”
In the case of my best friend, adopted dad, and our limited time left on Earth, I am prioritizing him over anyone else in my life. Spending time with him is a gift. An inspiration for how to live and die gracefully. A shrinking number of minutes I can spend with him.
I ask you: what is more important in your life? Bills. Chores. Cleanliness of the house. Those are all important. Must be done.
Holding the one you love, talking to them, seeing their eyes, both happy, ecstatic, and sad.
“My dad died when I was 22,” I told my dying best friend a few days ago. “You have been my friend for over 35 years. You’ve had much more impact on my life than my actual father.”
(fade to black)
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The Cloud Pilots episode on this chapter.
