You and I are not here by accident.

The healing will not happen by accident either.

There are two choices. 1. stay together and duke it out with your soon-to-be-ex. 2. go our separate ways.

From time to time I wonder about the exit. I have not given “end of times” messages. Yet. She gives them all the time.

“I guess I was hoping we could share our lives together and heal together…”

Yes, but…

It comes up every single day. He comes up. The big D comes up. It’s a problem. You dad doesn’t want to talk about him anymore. I’m growing tired of being his body double. I am done with that line of inquirey. Either grow up, pull in your unconscious ranting, and listen to what I’m saying.

I can be here for all of it. But…

Only if we’re showing signs of growth and flexibility. I am shaping my language with you. I’m being asked to shape my tone, my body language, even my attachment style. It’s too much for you. Right now, I understand. Next week, I’ll understand. Next month, we need to make some adjustments to the plan, don’t you think?

I guess if he had died, it would be easier to hear your pain about “he left me.” More “it was his doing.” Was it? Were you happy? Would you have stayed? No kids with him, so what was the appeal? A childish man? No coping or relating skills. And you gave him 18 years of being a dick to you?

Wow.

I guess he burned your patience and hope in “men” to the ground. I get that you’re still processing to the jilt. I think you might not be taking responsibilty for your exit. You too, were exiting the relationship. Leaning into your kids (with another man) and your career. Letting him flying boy fly. Cooping as best you knew how.

You no longer have to make yourself small to be in a partnership. You do have to ask for what you want. You do have to take agency in cleaning up your mess. Eliminating his mess. And read Brené fucking Brown, don’t quote Instagram images to me. Read the book. Learn the process. Take charge of your own unconsious and unlimited sharing of your pain and agony.

Yes, I am your person. And, yes, you need others to talk to about this stuff. Maybe not the best time to end your therapist relationship. Who are you going to talk to?

I can’t manage that side of the street. I can only pay attention to what I want, what I do, and what I say.

What do you want? When will you stop talking about the horrific way he left you. Left you with all the chores. The broken promises of futures ahead.

I’m here.

He’s still here with us. In the house. In the bed you both shared. So, what’s so hard about stepping out of your house? What’s so painful about leaving him, it, that fantasy that was oh, so, painful, and burning it to the ground.

We’ve got to start living in the present moment. If we’re overwhelmed by the past, issues keep penetrating your partnerships and conversations, it might be time to pause. Reboot our own system.

What is it that you want? In a future relationship, what is the most important quality?

We can’t create the next episode until the first season is over. The cliffhanger: can we survive the sh*tshow?

TBD.

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