I spend too much time in the court of appeals.

I love spending time on tennis courts. I have dreams of playing again with a partner, but that’s not essential. She might be a rock climber. I’m going to try that too. Try to keep up. That’s a lot of what relationships are. Keeping up with the changes in attitudes and latitudes.

I want to tell you how fun and smart I am, but when I speak I overdo it. I have no sense of balance when it comes to conversations. When I’m excited I will interrupt. I’m trying tobe additive and not redirect the conversation, but it is an interruption. Some people can’t do that.

I try to slow down. Often it does not work. When I’ve been sleeping poorly, or staying up all night, the harbingers of doom often visit me in the night with anxiety and restless leg syndrome. (I don’t think that’s a real thing, but I worked for a pharma agency that was putting up a site for RLS.)

A nightmare, one therapist told me, is more of your brain telling you to pay attention to something. Today, I’m paying attention to my lack of cash flow. My legal fight against Amazon. That’s not even remotely interesting. But I’ve got to dig into that opportunity. It could be big. Most likely it’s a no.

Here’s what happened.

I started at a menial job as a cashier at WFM. I was in a troubled state and was happy to have a place to go and a task to keep my mind off my own hardships. There was the teeth incident. There was a trauma-related restart on the lovely girlfriend, and subsequent reboot.

Correct article usage. Hmm. I’m not sure what that means. I wonder if I could get AI to glitch the definition. Let me see…

No.

Nothing of real value comes from AI. The human element is the missing ingredient. I am trying to fathom the language to unlock the path to enlightenment and AI ain’t it.

AI does have some use. The creative stuff is where AI is more of a theif and xerox machine than a creative partner. The AI the big five corporate giants are building are not to create digital artists or support human artists. It’s not about art or human expression. It’s about money. Leads. Sales. Marketing. Outreach. Social media.

I’m not an AI apologist. I’m an AI antagonist. An AI wrangler. I’m afraid I might be becoming an AI-bro. Like the tech-bro and the crypto-bro, I don’t want to be a bro. I want to poke and prod at the big five AI platforms. Enter conversations with the various chatty AI tools. Claude.ai and NotebookLM are my two faves. But I’m not using them the way their creators intended.

I’m most afraid that the bad actors are using the same AI for evil. GROK, the platform controlled by a Bond Villain. And here’s the thing. New versions of AI is developed with no limits and no constraints. Then when the data structures are in place, the data scientists do their work and start putting in filters and content blocks that won’t allow for nefarious behaviors.

GROK has almost no filters. Just got in trouble for “undressing” photos of any uploaded photo. You can see how that would be a problem, perhaps even illegal.

In the court of appeals, I am putting in efforts to slow my life down. To simplify my cash flow needs. Find a partner. Secure my future. And leap across the planet. Heal my pain with Hawaii. Return to Ibiza. Learn French. Live in Paris.

I need to do it all. I’m not getting younger, I’m getting stronger and happier. Oh, and there’s a girl.

I’ve been without for two years. Or, in a mixed state, at least, you could say. A few dates. Yuk. I don’t want to date. I want to skip that part. I want to dive deep with a person, and learn if we sync or shred. She is not going to be revealed in the apps or in the bars and strip clubs. What happens when she arrives is up for contemplation. I’m wondering about that these days.

I love my house, my cats, my time. I have my space messy and perfect. What would an available woman look like, feel like, sound like, and what does she want in a relationship? And if we don’t want to move in together, is that okay?

What’s the hurry to define some sort of WE. As a relationship coach, I have come to understand that certain actions of a couple build trust, other actions break trust. If we can remember the support and nurture of the WE, almost as if our partnership is another party in the relationship we have to care for.

I have had one WE partner in my life, and man, did it heal a lot of my pain and anxiety. Our partnership wasn’t enough, so we moved on. In those three years, I was showered with love, nicer clothes (women often like to dress, or upscale their partners), and a few missing components that appeared resistant to change.

I would like to find my ultimate WE. I know that’s my idealism coming back, but at 63, I don’t want to be dating again in 4 – 6 years. I’m ready to build a life with a history and a future. I’m ready for big love. Love that changes everything. Burns through old failures and hurts. Releases our past pain like marshmallows roasting to become s’mores. The chocolate is the work. The graham cracker serves as boundaries.

In the construction of a good smore and a good WE you’ve got to have boundaries. Guardrails that allow us flexibility and stability as we grow and develop ourselves over what remains of our human timelines. Together. I don’t want to be solo for the rest of my life. Two years has been fantastic and quite productive.

I’m happy alone. And contemplating how badass a woman would have to be for me to consider restructuring my time, my living space, or my sleeping arrangements. That’s hard. She’s got to be … If not the one, a candidate.

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