In some other timeline, metaverse, life, I don’t have a son. I didn’t have kids at all. I became a successful musician, moved to the coast of Spain and all was well.
In this timeline I can only imagine what my crippled son is going through. The self-emmoliation I don’t quite understand, unless it’s some variation of suicidal ideation or nihilism. Those two things I do understand. Maybe my son is experiencing a different strain.
New therapist, “Did your dad reach out to you about the holidays?”
Boy, “Yes.”
Did you respond?
Not yet.
Is that good for you or bad for you?
What?
Is not responding to the outreach and attention of your dad helping you feel better about yourself or worse?
Um.
Okay, so when was the last time you responded to your dad?
Two weeks ago.
Has he complained? Gotten more intense? Or any changes?
No.
Does he reach out to you?
Yeah, mostly sends songs from Spotify.
Is that something you guys share? A love of music?
Yes.
Do you respond?
No.
Why not?
Fuck him.
Wait, what?
I have no car. I’m living in a sober house. Fuck them all.
Okay. Better to have rage at someone else than at yourself. How do you feel about being so isolated and alone?
I have friends, man.
Oh, okay, so tell me about them.
They’re from all over the world. Coders like me. We’re working on a business plan together.
So, you’re spending time online with them. Is that what you do most of your free time?
Yeah, but it’s because I have no car.
Okay, so if you had a car, what would be the first thing to do?
Get the fuck out of here.
Right. And how much money do you have in savings if you abandon the recovery plan you have agreed to with me and your parents?
I don’t know.
Where would you go, if if I gave you the keys to a car with a full tank of gas?
Probably Dallas, to be with the girls.
Wait. You’ve already admitted they are not real. Right?
Yeah. Okay. Um, I’d probably just go hang at a coffee shop.
And do what?
Get online with my friends.
Do you have any friends here in the area?
Not really.
Are you making an effort to meet and connect with people here?
No. I’m in a sober house full of republican assholes.
Okay, what about at work?
They are better, but not really my kind of fun.
What do you mean?
They want to go out drinking, listening to music, and stuff like that.
You don’t like those things?
I can’t drink, at the moment, though that’s never been my problem.
And what about going out to see music?
No, too loud. My dad was always inviting me to concerts. I don’t like them. I get brain scrambled.
Have you tried it with earplugs?
My dad keeps offering that, but I don’t really want to go out. For any reason.
Okay, so if you had a car, you’d go to a coffee shop and get online with your intern associates?
Yes.
Why can’t you go to a coffee shop now?
No car.
Isn’t your dad paying for your Uber rides?
Yeah, but his credit card was declined.
When was that?
About three weeks ago.
What have you been doing?
I’m putting it on one of my credit cards.
Great. Self-autonomy. How does that feel?
Fuck that. I hate my life. I just want to get out of here.
To what?
Finish college, get a high-paying shit-job that will allow me to never speak to these fuckers again?
Do you mean the sober house admins?
No, my fucking parents.
Wow. Are they hurting you?
They’re keeping me from getting a car. They’re making me live in this fucking place. Fuck them. I just want out. To be on my own.
You mean to be living independently and supporting yourself?
Yes.
So, how close are you to that idea?
I don’t know.
Didn’t you just make an annual budget at the request of your mother?
Yeah.
And what did you learn? How close are you now, to getting ‘out of here’?
Not close.
Do you have a plan?
Isn’t that what we are talking about?
Well, only if you come up with the plan. Did you learn anything from making the budget?
Not really.
Do you know what the gap is between what you are earning and spending now? And then, how much more you need to make for your escape plan?
No.
Is it a lot?
I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Okay, so aside from not giving you what you want, how else are your parents being so bad to you?
You’re on their side too. It makes me mad.
Wait. I’m here to understand you.
Right.
You sound like you don’t believe that.
You’re a snitch.
How do you mean that?
You’re the keeper. You’re going to talk to them. You are part of the system.
The system that’s oppressing you?
Exactly.
Do you want to stop talking to me or getting my support?
Kinda.
Then who would you talk to about your plans and how to get there?
My friends.
You mean the ones on the internet?
Yes.
How do they support you?
I don’t know. We’ve got some plans. Nothing’s come through yet.
Do you talk to them about how you’re feeling?
Fuck yes. Most of us hate our parents. We just want money and freedom.
You understand, most of us want ‘money and freedom.’
Yeah.
And that to achieve that you’ve got to make a plan and start working on it.
Right.
So how’s your plan coming along? You showed me the one you wrote back in March after your dad took your guns and drugs.
I don’t know.
You don’t know? Okay. So what were the main points of the plan?
Finish school. Get a job. Live happily ever after.
You’ve accomplished one of those things. Congratulations. How long have you been at your job?
Two months.
And how is it going?
It’s fucking retail man. It sucks.
Are you trying to find a different job?
Not really.
Okay, so are you making enough money to pay your rent or lease/buy a car?
No.
Who’s covering your gap now?
The fuckheads.
Right. And are they placing harsh conditions on your continued support?
Sobriety and finishing college, I guess.
And staying in the sober house and keeping your job?
Yes.
I guess that’s your plan, then, right?
I guess.
What do you mean?
We’ve got a few big ideas I think might pay off a lot sooner.
Oh?
Yeah, a crypto app that uses AI to manage trades and interactions.
Sounds exciting. How far along are you?
We’re still designing roadmaps. I can show you my MIRO board if you want to see it?
That’s okay. And how many people are on your team?
Mainly Trip. There are a few others.
Tell me a little bit about Trip.
He’s Swedish. Lives with his parents, who have a fuck ton of money.
Is he going to finance the startup idea?
No, his dad is forcing him to work at Google, and he hates it. Hates his life. Like me?
How’s the project progressing? Do you have business plans and financial statements?
We’re working on those.
And Trip, is he as enthusiastic as you are about this crypto app?
Yes, of course.
Is he doing 50% of the work on the business plan?
Not really. He’s busy. His dad keeps making him do other stuff.
Kind of like your dad, right?
What do you mean?
He seems to be asking you to do stuff all the time.
Yeah, but this is different. His dad is making him do chores and help with the family business, a machine shop.
Does he get paid when working for his dad?
Yeah.
Okay, so Trip is working a job at Google that he hates. He’s doing odd jobs and helps his dad, for money. And he’s hoping to escape it all when your crypto project gets off the ground.
I suppose so. It doesn’t sound so good when I hear you say it.
Why?
Trip doesn’t really like his dad, but his dad is trying to help him.
Is your dad trying to help you?
Yeah.
And how would you like your dad to help you at this moment?
Nothing. I don’t even want to talk to him.
Is that why you ignored his invitation to spend Thanksgiving together?
Yeah, fuck that. I hate Thanksgiving.
And, how did your Thanksgiving go? What did you do?
Nothing.
Did the sober house have some turkey and dressing and stuff?
Yeah.
Was that satisfying?
I hate these people. I hate my life.
What about Thanksgiving made you switch to that declaration?
I don’t know. Thanksgiving sucked. I was miserable and alone.
You chose to be alone, right?
Yeah.
Would you do it differently if you knew how shitty your day was going to feel?
Maybe. I’m not sure. I don’t want to talk about shit. I don’t want lectures.
Does your dad lecture you a lot?
No.
Is he giving you a hard time right now for blowing off Thanksgiving and his birthday?
Oh fuck. I forgot again. DAMN!
What?
That sucks. I think I probably hurt his feelings on that one. Shit. My grandmother used to remind us of everyone’s birthday. Nobody told me it was my dad’s birthday.
I’m sorry your grandmother is not around to support you. Do you think you should reach out to your father and apologize?
No.
Okay. You’ve seen how this works, right? You ignored your dad’s invitation to Thanksgiving, had a shitty day, forgot his birthday. Don’t really want to make contact with him about that either. And now, he’s trying to invite and engage you in a conversation about Christmas, and you are still ignoring him.
I did respond today.
About what?
He said something about the cold rainy weather. He knows I like the cold.
How did you respond?
Oh, thanks for sharing that.
I just thought I’d show you, to prove I responded.
Any thoughts yet about Christmas?
Fuck Christmas. I hate Christmas.
Hm. It must be hard to work retail at Christmas when you hate Christmas.
It sucks.
How’s the job going? Do you like your manager?
No. She’s a bitch. Wrote me up a week ago for “looking depressed.”
Ouch. That must’ve hurt.
Yeah, but she also put me on notice that my job ends in January.
What? Why is that?
I was sick a month ago, and I didn’t get a doctor’s note. It’s like I’m in high school all over again.
Did you go to the doctor?
No.
And they wrote you up? How long were you out?
Five days.
Wow, in retail, that’s a lot of shifts your manager had to find a sub for you. Did you think about getting a note to show her it was real?
No.
Okay. That’s interesting, don’t you think?
I didn’t really ever want to come back to the job.
But you did.
Yeah.
Why did you come back to the job?
Money. Fucking money. And my parents.
How is it about your parents?
They’re loaded. They could give me a car today, and it wouldn’t hurt their investment portfolios a bit.
Are your parents rich?
Well, my mom and her husband have over 4 million in the bank.
How do you know this?
He leaves his computer unlocked. And asks me to work on it.
Hm. And your dad?
He got all this money from his mom. It was supposed to go to me.
Really? How was it going to go to you?
She promised us a college trust fund. Then my dad took all the money for himself.
He did? That sounds illegal.
Bought a house with it. He’s living the high life.
Does he have a mortgage or did he have the money to buy the house outright?
I don’t know.
Did he prevent the trust from happening when your grandmother died?
I don’t know.
What does he say?
He lies and says his mom’s will left all of her money equally to him and his sister.
Why is that a lie?
I don’t know.
Have you seen your grandmother’s will?
No.
Do you think your dad would lie to you?
If it served his purpose.
Is your dad willing to help you with your college debt?
Yes.
What does he say about it?
He says he will pay off all my student loans when I graduate.
That sounds like maybe he’s planning on using your grandmother’s estate money to help you with college.
Yeah, I suppose.
Do you think he’s spending a lot of money?
I don’t know.
Is he working?
Yes.
What about your mom, is she still working?
She retired.
And her husband?
Retired. They’re fucking remodeling a house for years. There’s still a year to go. The husband keeps fucking with the architect’s plans by making changes to them with his own version of the architecture software.
Is that what he told you?
No, my mom told me. She’s frustrated.
Are you close to your mom?
No.
Were you?
Yeah.
What has changed?
She’s got all this money. She’s retired and remodeling their imaginary mansion. And I don’t have a car or a place to live.
What happened to your car?
I totaled it a few months ago.
Oh. And you would like them to get you a new car?
Well, not a new-new car, but yes, I think I should have a car.
And what do they say?
That I need to be able to pay for it myself.
Ah. So you’re working on that?
Kinda.
But it makes you mad that they won’t just provide you with another car?
Yes. They’re loaded.
Your mom and her husband?
Yes.
Have you asked?
Yes.
And their answer?
They say I need to apply for a loan myself.
And have you tried that?
No.
What are you waiting for?
January.
What happens in January?
I can start my last semester of college.
Oh, that’s great. Congratulations. You must be excited by that idea. A piece of the plan!
I am, but without a car, it’s going to be impossible.
Why?
The college is in Dallas, I’m in Austin.
What are you going to do?
Well, I’ve gotten a really sweet deal with a professor there. He’s agreed to let me do an independent study project for my last two credits.
Great.
And he’s okay if I only come to see him in person every other week.
That sounds manageable.
Yeah, if I had a fucking car.
Oh. What are the other alternatives?
Fuck if I know. I just really need a car man.
And how are you going to get a car if you don’t apply for a car loan?
I don’t know.
And in January, what changes?
I get to start my last semester of college.
Great. So where will you live?
At the sober house.
Okay, and are you paying for that?
No.
Who’s paying for your rent?
My parents.
So, what are you doing with the money you are making from your job?
Paying some of my debt and credit cards.
I see. And does that leave you with money to put into savings, toward a car or rental deposit?
Not much.
What are you doing with the extra money?
I don’t know. Buying coffee. Some things online. Clothes at work, I get a great discount.
All that sounds nice, but it’s not really moving you toward a goal of getting a car, getting a place of your own, or being free of your parent’s oversight and demands.
Yeah.
Okay. Do you know what you want to accomplish in the next 30 – 45 days?
Get my college degree started and get the fuck out of this place.
I mean, within your control?
Oh. Not really.
Well, you need to look for a new job, sounds like.
Yeah.
And keep making progress toward college registration.
Yeah.
And who’s going to pay your tuition in January?
Um.
Do you know how much it will cost to finish your degree?
About three thousand dollars.
And where are you going to get the money?
Rob a bank.
No, seriously. What’s your plan?
I don’t know. Fuck this.
What?
Fuck this entire conversation.
Have I said or done something wrong?
No, I’m just pissed.
At me?
At life.
Okay, but that doesn’t change the facts. You have feelings. Now, you appear to be mad at me. But you also need a plan to pay for college in January if that’s what you are hoping to do.
Yeah.
Do you want help making that plan?
No.
I guess our time is up for today. Do you want to book a time for next week?
Yeah.
Do you have your calendar with you or on your phone?
No.
Okay, so you can reach out to me today or tomorrow and schedule our next session. How does that sound?
Great.
And that’s $300 for today. How would you like to pay, I take Venmo, Paypal, and Zelle.
Fuck.
What?
I thought they were paying for this.
Oh. I was told you would be paying your own way.
fear : god > next | index
