I Want to Disappear (final respects)

I Want to Disappear

Nothing in my life is all that bad. I mean, I was divorced and only get to see my kids on alternating weekends. My house is more like a hotel than a home, and that kinda sucks. And my girlfriend/fiancé drinks too much, so what? I mean, who doesn’t? Am I right?

I had survived a lot thus far in my life. I was a mid-50s single dad trapped in a web of my own despair. I get it now, from this side of the moment, I am creating my own unhappiness. There was plenty to be glad about. My girlfriend was super hot, mostly. She never liked it when I told her how pretty she was, but she always confirmed when I mentioned her amazing legs. She was a middle-distance runner. And as the song goes, “her legs went on forever.”

Every so often I would walk the three miles to a popular lookout point above the lake. The first time I was going to see if I could *ever* actually jump to my death. The immediate answer that day was, “No fkn way.” But I kept going back. At least once a week, I come back and stare out at the lake and cars and people below and think, “Why not?” This morning the cooler weather is moving in, there is a nice breeze ruffling up the lake, and I have more momentum than usual.

Each time before, my daughter’s sad face would appear to me as I stood here. I really missed her more than anything. How could I ever… It was early on a Friday morning, the weekend was ahead. There was only one boat coming up the lake pulling a water skier. I wanted to be in that boat. I wanted to be skiing again. I wanted my dad to be happy, sober and driving the boat.

Today, I made the last walk to the jumping-off point as I called it. I’m here now. My iPhone is on 1% and I’m personally on much less than that. If I could conjure up my daughter’s face at this moment, I would tell her why.

[Note: this is a short-short story. The author is alive and well and typing this message to reassure you. Thank you.]

Read more Short-Short Stories from John.

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