In this very moment, this morning, Jan 9, the universe is very clear.
Don’t reach backward to old comforts. Seek forward momentum up and away from all you’ve known before. Explore. Release. Reach for what you know you deserve.
Let me illuminate.
Was in the feels last night. A few big events. Wanting to talk to my previous best friend. Just shoot the breeze. Swap stories. Find comfort in her voice, her laugh, her… No. I knew where that would lead me. Was a little worried about how it might fire her up too. Didn’t need to add her back to my menagerie. I’m full up. Cats curled at my feet, writing.
Also, ready to give up my search for a bit. At that very moment, or, let’s say, this morning… On a dating app of all things. A new connection. And what a difference an intentional woman with swagger makes. (Not a slam on previous girlfriend.) In an hour we’d exchanged a lot of data, a few links, and like magic, a coffee date this afternoon. Should be cold and raining by then. We’ll see.
Here’s what I know.
When the heart aches it’s an invitation to grow. Not go in reverse. I’m not saying a call to my ex-gf would’ve stopped the new adventure from happening. But, I do think my heart is tender, prepared, and open. And, most importantly, patient. I am in SLOW MODE. Not sure how well I do at going slow. But I’m willing. I’m conscious of my excitable boy.
And… write. Relax. Release this new muse. Just show up and have coffee. No fireworks. No monologues. (More important.) And see what ignites.
As a contrast, I’ve got a woman in my bee-line (what Bumble calls women in waiting) who’s pushed me off since early December. Still there. Little “hi” messages have not inspired her to respond or give an opening for a conversation. Another mild yes on a different app, heated up quickly, and just as quickly was shut down by “I’m not ready for a conversation yet. Good night.” Okay. I get it. I’ll wait.
That’s what I’m learning. Even at this moment. I’m pausing. Not digging or vibing too far into the possible futures. Let’s just show up, have coffee. A kiss might be too much. Yes, stop. Pause. Now, if she initiates…
In the marriage to the mother of my children, now 14 years released, I was learning to lose my passion, learning to temper my enthusiasm, being taught to give up on my ambition. Never again.
I will not become small for anyone. I will go, however, when my energy and enthusiasm are not matched or received. I will not calm down. Oh, wait… Yes, I will subvert hyper-tendencies. I am getting better at slowing my roll. Watch this.
She provided her cell number for connections off the dating app. An hour ago.
I want to ping. Confirm. Initiate the next line of communication. I’m paused. I’m turning inward. See, this, right here, this is me processing myself. Writing about myself. Enlightening myself.
What I am is a learning individual. In my 14 years of seeking, I’ve had many successes. Even more blowouts. And three long-term attempts that ended in various collapses. I have been loved. Well fucked. And marginalized.
In this moment of silence, since June/July/August breakup orchestration, I’ve been listening to my own heart rather than seeking someone else’s companionship. That’s how I grow and learn. I’m not sure I’m ready to give a large portion of my time to a relationship. That’s what I’m also learning and thinking about. What do I want? Where do I want my life to go over the next year? Ten years? Can I be happy with the imaginative me in ten years back in the alone and seeking mode? Probably.
I do know soulmates are made not found. Love is an action not a state. Relationships are continuous movement toward each other. Evolve or die. Find your own inner joy and share from there. Even when things (events) aren’t going in your direction your inner happiness is up to you. The fire the world cannot put out. The dream cannot be squelched or diminished.
I will not diminish.
