I’m stopped at the moment. I’m heading to a wonderful event. I need gas money.
What a humbling moment. I didn’t really experience this as a high school student. Though my dad was drowning himself with a new drinking-wife, my mom was doing the best she could. I did take a job as a senior. I was a busboy at Austin’s County Line on the hill. And yes, I did have to dive in the trash dumpster and spray it out with a hose. There were some awful parts of the job.
Good parts included suffering along with my friends, David and Bryan. The “Pennsylvania Six Five thousand” of the big band played continuously on the juke box. From the kitchen we couldn’t hear it, thank god. I still have a visceral response to big band music. I’m suddenly lost, young, disillusioned, and starving for an aim or direction for my love, energy, and creative drive.
I can’t even get a job as a dishwasher right now. I’ve applied to Costco, REI, Whole Earth Provisions, even back at Central Market. I’m waiting on my tax refund of 2k. My unemployment from Whole Foods was denied out of cruelty, denying me the $1,100 a month that would’ve kept my lights on. I will win the appeal, but why would they continue to hurt me? It’s money I contributed. Yes, I was fired, but that case will eventually be heard by the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission), giving me a “right to sue” letter that will finally get WFMs legal team negotiating with me. So far, my outreach to leadership, or the kind HR woman who was present to comfort me from my first firing at the hands of a Ukranian woman who’s adopted the hardass role for the store, because the store leader is dishwasher-smart and lacks basic management skills. “What is your leadership style,” is often a question in my interviews these days. I’d love to ask him that question. He wouldn’t understand it.
Enough of that pity party, I’m vibrant and ready for what’s next. The $4 in my wallet will get me enough gas to arrive at the modern dance workshop on time. I’ll need a loan from my friend to get gas for the trip home. Oh bother! This is teaching me something, right?
I am learning the value of self-reliance. This morning, for example, I was all packed up to go visit one of my power-and-tether perches. I couldn’t go back into the house. Eat available food. Rest. *Write.*
The distractions of tv, electric guitars and effects, all gone. My awareness of the range indicator in my car has a new urgency. I thought, when I pulled in last night, that I still had 9 miles of range. The car indicated *** when I started it this morning, thinking of a pastry and gas. Neither is available to me at the moment.
I saw Tom pull in across the street and went to say hello. I gave him one of the books of short stories that he didn’t have. I wanted to ask for $20. I didn’t. I’m not asking my sister, my best friend, my rich friends. No one wants to “loan” anyone anything. No one wants to get involved with someone in crisis. I’m not as much in crisis as experiencing a period of cash flow zero.*
The limits are only in my mind. I don’t need to go anywhere. A little hunger can also feel like anxiety. I’m not anxious. There is a subliminal dread that is running through all of us in this time of democratic demise. We’re all fighting to keep our wits about us. I know I am.
My cats are very happy I am around more. The relationship had me spending successive nights away. My work, when I’m not remote, keeps me away during the day. I am here at home more than usual. I am not unhappy about that. The creative output has been transformative. I’ve got some rungs on the ladder to climb before my financial tether is eased. Oh, I need to put my $4 in the tank now and skedaddle to the dance workshop. I hope your day is swimming in sunshine and kisses.
* cash flow zero
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The podcast of aspiration: Untethering Deep Dive with Dick and Jane.
The first FIVE chapters explained and contextualized.
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