broken holiday

nothing was the same after she jumped on Christmas day
no laughter carols presents fancy wrapping
soothed smoothed over the horror of the holy day
her second birthday
scorched joy out of the world and left us dark and smoldering

kids arrived to brighten the world again
eve and morning filled with delight and anticipatory joy
a swirl of chaos and roar of wrapping paper being torn and balled up
over time the adults stopped swapping gifts
except my mom
never could get her to stop
*yours do not have enough ribbons and bows*
everything was about those kids and their yelps of glee
and seeing mom transformed by time and the ravages of pain
until she slept in for good

unhappy wife takes a turn for the worse
and the holiday is broken again
negotiated alternated and often lonely
stripping away the one constant in my life

light still burns brightly in my eyes and soul
no fires or stockings or presents to unwrap
daughter away son floundering and away
girlfriend ex
immediate family down to five
how is it the dumb and ugly breed and thrive
while delicate genius cannot stand the pain of the world

i fight not against the dying of the light
against my own inner sorrow and self-pity
i rebel against whitney houston in shopping malls
choosing the quiet path
until a cat knocks over the Christmas tree in my mind
i have no tree
the bang in the other room that gets me out of bed
is just a guitar
stilling resonating on the floor strings up
both kitties have discovered music
a swat a jump a tease in open E tuning
sounds like magic
cats
bringing
joy

it is just us this morning
coffee
light ambient guitar music performed live
and a word or two
like a hug
for myself

12-25-24

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