Notes On The Spectrum covers this chapter: Bilateral Breathing Lessons
When most of us learn to swim the American crawl, the normal swimming stroke, we learn to breathe only on one side. When I joined the swim team in my sophomore year in Maine, I learned how to increase my pace with bilateral breathing and to kickass on the flip turn. I even made it to the state swim meet in the 100-meter freestyle, the American crawl. I was jacked on a hit of speed from my old friend in the dorms. I false-started and came in last when the splashing was complete. I forgot to bilateral breathe in my panic to catch up.
If you’ve ever swam competitively or watched the Olympics, you’ve probably seen a false start. If you’ve ever false-started, I can tell you, a new level of panic kicks in. Everyone is brought back out of the water, and the starting gun is reset. You lean on the start, hoping to get a few seconds’ edge in hitting the water first. A second false start and you’re DQ’d from the race. Once you’ve false-started, you can’t lean on the redo. You are behind before the pop of the gun.
In the locker room afterwards, I punched a metal door and cut a knuckle pretty badly. I wrapped it in a towel and said nothing. I was still racing with the speed, now mixed with adrenaline and shame. A bad combo. My fury had no outlet, so I choked it down and watched a few of the later races from the stands.
I gained a level of hardening that winter, trudging through the snow at 6:30 am to get into a lukecold pool. The morning workouts were not unlike my morning cold water plunges. I was an athlete. You get up every weekday morning and get in the pool. 20 freestyle – 30 sec, 10 breast – 30 sec, 5 butterfly – 1 min, 20 freestyle. Done.
Learning to breathe on both sides of the stroke is more important for distance events. In a sprint you just go. At present, I’m in a bit of a bilateral situation as well. My son is on the right, the confident side, what is known. He is my challenge. He is also my lesson. Let it go. Focus on your strengths. This is not a sprint. My daughter is on the left, less natural, unknown, unsteady. She has flowed in and out of this story over the years, providing a lesson in loving through the separation.
Both of my kids learned avoidance from their mom. When faced with a hard question, like, “Are you asking for a divorce?” she responds with, “I can’t even… I need more time… Wait, I’ll let you know.” My daughter prioritized what she wants to do this Christmas. (She did a similar thing last year.) She just got back from a vacation in Mexico with her mom, which she didn’t tell me about. She’s holding some of her own guilt. She’s leaving today for DC, to spend Thanksgiving with her stepdad’s Jewish family.
She set her plans. I am getting no oxygen from the left side. It feels natural. Last year, because my sister, once again, was not hosting Thanksgiving, she went to her best friend’s house. (It’s about what’s fun for her.) There are pains and regrets we struggle with. She says how busy she is. We had one breakfast in October, which was nice, and poof, she’s a ghost. She’s false-started.
For readers new to hyperfiction: see this explainer video: Blueprint Of Icarus Ascending
This post was written with this lyric in mind “i’m a generator, i’m a generator”
