It might be the coffee in the morning that’s making me feel so blissfully high. I thought it might be some of the additives, but I’ve run out of them months ago. I’m still euphoric. About nothing. About everything. Even about… being alone. I know, crazy.
Most of my life I’ve been the strongest man in the room on the field in the meeting. Many previous managers didn’t appreciate my creativity or bold hair. I’ve been fired many times. All of them with a variation of shame and regret. But, without exception, each one of my firings has been a gateway into a new and varied life. Time off hasn’t always been a joy. Sometimes it’s a fear-filled nightmare. Today, bliss.
In my heaviness, I have begun to observe my feelings and energy more. I’m becoming a lighter heavyweight with each deflection of my sugar addiction. I’ve learned so much. Dark chocolate is not my favorite. It does, however, satisfy the urge, the craving, the passion. Not unlike my coffee high, of which I must be under the influence right now, on my second cup, I find other pathways to joy. My hot tub is a great example of a fat-free dopamine free radical generator. Regardless of the known health benefits, of which I’m unaware, the steaming water gets me high.
I guess that’s a lot of what we humans are doing on Earth. Getting high. Seeking more high. Trying to wrestle more high from others around us. Sometimes that high involves others. A woman, for example, no longer beside me, would generate massive highs for both of us. We were high just being around each other. I still miss that one. I’m not on the hunt, just yet. Well, that’s probably a lie. What I mean is, I’m trying to have a balanced approach to finding a new partner. I acclaim patience and yet rarely am. Again, not quite true, but in terms of romance, when the game is on, it’s on fire. That’s another one of my addictions.
But within all this chaos, I am feeling calm, steady, and high. There’s no cause for it. Nothing in the coffee but beans water and some organic whole milk.
<aside> Are commas necessary just because they are suggested by my AI-spelling companion? I’d say no. Adult readers should struggle just a tad with good writing. Pulling out the commas, especially prepositional commas, is part of my craft. Racing if you will to the story of each next right word. World. Imaginary dialogues I have with the characters on stage. Comma. Comma. Comma. How did that make you feel? I don’t know about commas anymore. I was asked, by a lovely man, I’m helping him with his book. His “seventh book” he likes to tell me. He gave me some advice on my writing. I was using “it” too much. He wanted me to be more specific about it, and what it was referring to. It seemed to him that my “it” obsession was getting in the way of the flow. What do you think? About it? Words? Commas? </aside>
Forget about it. This isn’t yet about you. Give it a minute.
As I become more conscious of my unconscious desires I’ve learned to give voice to my sugar addiction, but I don’t have to act on it. There is a perfectly delicious dark chocolate bar in my cupboard. This one is very organic and good and doesn’t have any extra filler or bad chemicals found in most average chocolate bars. This one was six bucks. Worth it. I’ve also counted the calories to determine that a single square of this exquisite “salty” chocolate is 50 calories. A great measuring stick. It’s good to begin measuring things when you’re trying to become more mindful. In my life that means weight and happiness.
I’m as thin and young as I will ever be. My plan is working. Making me slightly more attractive with each lost pound, a little bit quicker around the tennis court. I think about the tennis players I’ve dated. Neither of my first two wives played tennis. The second one, the real one, liked the fancy skirts though. I developed a fetish that she simply would not fulfill. That was part of her allure. Never giving me what I wanted. That one time she wore sexy underthings turned out nicely. She never did it again. What gives?
Here I am, at the start of the day. I’m fairly certain it’s Friday, but it’s been a crazy week. And when you get off the clock, as I am at the moment, for better or worse, you begin to lose track of the days. If you’re not careful you’ll find you’ve accomplished nothing in a matter of weeks. That happened to me a little over a year ago. The cool job, the cool team, and the cool money that gave me such confidence and mobility, went away. Bad manager. Another one! I know, it’s amazing how many there are. Promoted up for little or no fault of their own. If they had any skill before this position it was marginal. Anyway, that all came to a quick end when he decided he’d like to use my salary to hire two young women who each performed a third of my duties already. Or they could if I were replaced. And that’s what he did.
Only problem, he did it quite poorly. HR is not there to help you. HR is there for the protection of the company. End of story. Beginning of a new era of bliss. Oh shit, I’ve got it. It’s the unemployment that brings out the best in me when I can keep the money anxiety at bay. I’m doing a stellar job of that at the moment. Worried, a little. But I keep repeating a prayer I learned, like a mantra, and it’s working. Of course, the addition of the cats has also had a soothing effect. I was withholding their purrful bliss for years because my last partner was allergic. No more blue days. Cats keep things interesting, knocking stuff over 24/7. Crash in the other room? Cats. Tax records and papers on my office floor? Cats. Weighted blanket calm and warm cuddles? Cats.
It’s either the coffee or the cats or something else. I ask god, occasionally, “Have I lost my marbles?” And while he does not answer, I take that as a no. I’m only dreaming awake. Continuously repeating my prayer. Plowing forward with life. Copilots on board. At this very moment, any additional navigator would be a liability. I’m okay with that. For now, I’m a few pounds lighter than I was a week ago. That’s what they say, lose weight at a reasonable pace, if you want to. They also say, eat all you like, we’ve got a daily injection that will sweep it through your body like a storm. Dropping discipline from the equation is a bad idea, I think. So, I’m working with the conversations in my mind.
Yes, the chocolate bar is calling for me right now. The cats are away somewhere destroying part of my universe. Welcomely. All this self-absorption was putting me at risk for another depression. Not this time. My coffee is strong. Maybe the weight is a gift.
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