steady state – a poem

steady state – a poem

a crashing flood of rain
disturbed my disturbing dreams last night
as anxiety of the night’s adventure
still settled and smoothed
in dark recesses of my frontal lobe
and i remarked in the dark
alone
i am glad to be back home
without damage or shame
or shenanigans
yet still
i want to be moving towards someone
a warm inviting softness
lacking in lone puppy cuddles
i am less actualized alone
in this big bed
awaiting a copilot

so far
for the last eight years
i have found willing attendants
beautiful concubines
and women of potential
not living up to mile-high imaginings

and this moment
after dining with no wine
i could sense there was some additional desire
in us both
but my soul was pointing out the late hour

i floated an earlier entertainment agenda
with no idea or intention
i
didn’t
want to go home
alone
but
i also didn’t want to continue
so i set a course in the nav system
and followed instructions
setting sail for a journey
into the heat of the entertainment district
on a friday night

as i whipped down the off ramp
i exclaimed i felt high
and though it was a rush
it was not a good one
an escape is what i was looking for
from this car
this moment
this alone black heart
trailing along behind us

a parking space appeared
and i took it as a sign
to relax and go with the momentum
of the evening’s five bands
and short walk to the venue
this time i did not reach for her hand
i felt my easy banter tucked away
for the first time in years
i was
a teenager
i was
looking to be bad
or escape
and the big vibrant city of youthful hipsters
opened its arms
checked out id’s
and ushered us into a stuffed crowd
in a small room
with a sultry flat-noting young woman
who was no more than a dream
when Twin Peaks debuted in 1990
but the vibe
the vibe
the beatnik drummer
in beanie and glasses
and fake face tattoos
was pulsing out a lynchian dirge
as lights and acid gels
washed us and them
and if you could forgive the murderous timbre
an ambiance was to be had
for the dense gathering of lynch enthusiasts
wrapped in the 25th anniversary blueray edition
and she thankfully led us back outside
into the rough alcove between hotels
and a dripping humidity filled with cigarette smoke
another sign of the age and ennui

it was as if i’d stepped back into my historical past
and was in pursuit of pure pleasure
ecstasy and alcohol and if I plyed it right
sex
but there was no alignment between us
no chemistry that tequila would enhance
just a night of misadventure
in a smokey LGBQT club
in the hippest tech city on the planet
before the approaching torrent
the place was heavy with angst and cool
and she said
i think i’m getting tired
god bless her

as i reached my bed
and felt for the absence
of a woman, a partner, an escape
i listened to my pulse slowing
i asked for the rain to be cleansing
sleep to devour the evening
and a return
to my steady state

9-22-18

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