lifetime of alignments – a poem

lifetime of alignments – a poem

i’ve never seen her face
her back is amazing
strong
young
exposed
and while she’s not my type
from what i can see
she’s everything i’m looking for
warm, breathing, engaged in conversation
and i’m nearby
typing
admiring
her connection with her friend
the bearded young man
laptopped-in beside her
here they are
here i am
another rainy day at whole foods market
i’m working
or trying to work
as death cab for cutie
rips my heart to shreds
and her long hair
dangles imaginarily in my mind
i know this might seem creepy
but it’s really just
thoughts
projections
harmless
i remember
when i lived three blocks away
before marriage
before kids
before my multiple falls
from grace
as i lost all that was sacred
and recoiled into darkness
as some wounded animal
unable to name or relieve the pain
and unable to escape it
all fell into disrepair
and to be honest
today
many years later
i am still rebuilding
redefining my walk on the earth
and appreciations
that now have to be held within limits
no more unfettered heights
and no more intoxications
in this older me
seeking enlightenment
or at least a word for it
love
no, that’s not the right one
holding, seeing, being quiet
but not alone
aligning
i am looking for that
alignment
this time with tenure
yes, i know this is ambitious
hard to find
needle in a …
wait, that’s all there is to be done
wait
seek yes, but wait more
and this time
this time
this fucking time
release everything
ask only for pure honesty
and the ability to
own and speak her truth
as we find the junctures
to join our cars
along similar paths
not enmeshed
but entwined
how do we find a momentum
together
that we lacked
while alone
and how do we
continue
to seek
our connection
with microcorrections
and microprocessors
and fingertips
and apologies
how do we continue
always continue
to reach towards the other person
rather than away
that’s what i’ve learned
reach and aspire to continue reaching
for
one person
over
our
lifetime

10-9-18

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