breathe – a poem

breathe – a poem

in this state of not getting

i must comfort and cuddle
an inner heart of mine
the puppy wrestling for joy
and listen to this emptiness
for in that void
i find my core
cold
alone
truth
we are on this journey alone
when the gurney is rolled away
from our loved ones in the waiting room
a space opens up
between us and everyone else
even the nurse pushing us down the halls
is no longer with us

fluorescents blur by
tears beginning to fall
for all that i have left undone
all the “i love yous” missed
minutes, days, weeks, without my kids
and without anyone else in my life

alone we slip away
towards a oneness
we imagine
where loved ones hover
and some higher power
receives
but today i am only a traveler
a solo climb
a repair of some broken inner system
filled with rocks of bile
and spite
of things that didn’t go my way
people that let love die
and some softcore emptiness
that arises when confronted with death

i breathe
to calm myself
and all has stopped
we are outside the operating room
anticipating the start

afterwards i don’t understand my weepiness
they say it’s the general anesthesia
but it’s deeper
as if god were there
holding me during the surgery
weighing my life
to determine the best course of action
for my future
or not future
my girlfriend is there
but she’s not much help
she left too
she could not accompany me on the journey
she smiles
and i believe her
even though i’m still lacking evidence

my ache goes on for days
i can’t put my finger on the place
that hurts, in particular
but i know the feeling
the loss of purpose
the sadness at being returned to earth
for more of this

it passes
i find joy again
in tennis balls
and puppy tummies
and even as my girlfriend exits the scene
we hug and express deep affection
and curse the timing problem
with our lives
and it’s all months in the past now
and mostly
the sadness is deep enough
to not disturb my sleep

the emptiness, though
without a partner
the emptiness of a king-sized bed
crushes whimsical flights of fantasy
about who is coming next for me
who am i going to uncover and discover
and adventure into
who who who
but not me
always seeking the comfort of a warm hand
looking towards the softness of a kiss
a reaching out in the night
for a connection
always

10-8-18

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